Afraid you bet I am. Never thought I would admit being afraid of anyone especially my husband, but if something happens to me I want this recorded. In the last 10 years he has threatened to kill us by aiming our motor vehicle at bridge over-passes and saying he was going to drive us into one and kill us both to make me happy at last. I don't know why everything I say or even action I have seems to infuriate him. I am the same person I have always been but he seems to really dislike me an awful lot. I do say I hate things a lot when I can't think of a better expression to describe what I feel.
I dislike the fact that he went to the bank and drew money out of our small CD accounts and made me go with him to find a newer used car. While it was true that my old van was beginning to nickle and dime us to death, he was always against me having the van from the first suggestion years ago. I was so happy with it. But in a few days we had purchased a new pre-owned vehicle and it was the best we could find with what small money we had plus my van trade-in. I wanted to try to negotiate for more of a trade-in amount but he was angry because I said a word about that. I am not allowed to open my mouth anymore.
We joined a small gym and he acts like he isn't even with me most of the time. It is as though he wishes I was dead. He is not following the instructions written down by the instructor and does over the amounts we were directed to do. Then, he complains like heck about how bad he hurts, more so than even me and I have Fibromyalgia with pain thoughout my body.
Recently he told me that we would never have run into the financial problems we have if I hadn't gotten sick and had to quit and it was all my fault. OK, I am sick and I am sure he is correct as he is always right about everything.
Tonight, there was a sivler car parked by our new pre-owned vehicle and this vehicle just happens to be silver and I said gosh, what a dummy I almost walked to that car door and he said how insulting as that is a piece of junk and I said well I was admitting out loud that I nearly made a stupid mistake and he said well I have heard you say 3 times this week that you wish you had your van back and you hate this vehicle so maybe I will just drive into a pole and kill us both as I can never make you happy. He started the car and then drove like a mad-man out of the parking lot and then came to a quick stop before entering traffic.
His actions are really absurd and he went to the bank some months back and signed for a pesonal loan to put in new kitchen counter-tops and to pay down a credit card. Putting us further in debt. He has already purchased the faucet for the one bathroom and plans to put enough aside to have that counter-top and sink replaced too. I told him we did not need to do that but he informed me that he wanted it and he was going to get it. When my Mom lived with us, I was not afraid of him and before I had my knee replacement surgery I wasn't either but he has been a real mean nasty person since he lost the money she paid him for her room and board and he got mad at me when I found her placement in an
ALF. Blamed me for losing that income too. She needed assistance and was so bad with her dementia that she could not be left alone for very long or she might have had a bad fall and I would never have forgiven myself. Her incontinence problems were awful. He constantly complained about how bad the garbage can smelled from her soiled diapers. There were many other complaints too about her fecal matter left on the toilet seat in the bathroom he liked to use when he came in from outside. Awful for that time is just not possible to tell. No words can tell anyone who has not lived through it how bad the situation was. How she went outside in the dogs play yard and walked in dog poop and then wiped her shoe on the track of the sliding door and all over the carpet on the lanai and all over the carpeting in the house claiming she did not know it was there. Believe me, I had to clean it up and it was no pleasure. Dementia had claimed her mind that day. Ohter days she was fine.
I think he may have some real dementia problems too. He seems to want to spend every dime we have saved and to hell with what I deserve. There are very few people that come here as he has to nap daily as he works 5 mornings a week and is very tired. That money should be used for the prescriptions we both need and any left over should be used to pay down credit cards that he keeps using to buy stuff that keeps falling apart on a home built back in 1986. I may not be the smartest kid on the block but I am not buying a thing for myself so that should tell everyone that I am not going crazy with the credit cards. I wanted to buy a book for my Kindle Frie that he just had to buy me and he told me that I was not allowed to charge anything. I just downloaded what free books that might interest me and dont' order a thing for msyelf. Heck I might as well not have the thing.
I have clothes that were purchased back in 1998 and 1999 and very few in recent years that have not come from Walmart.
As the way things stand now, I will be afraid to speak to him or commuicate with him in anyway for fear he will do exactly what he says and has attempted to do but turned the wheel at the last minute. I am so afraid and have no idea who to go to to get help from and I am entitled to some money as for years I worked and helped and paid for stuff. After selling my jewelry last year and he went with me, he said, surely you did not sell all of it and I looked at him dumb-founded as I showed him it all and he never said one word about me keeping it. Has my husband lost his mind? I am so concerned. I am a bitch and know it but this has become a weekly fright factory.
A few weeks back, I said the wrong thing to him and he was holding a plastic pill case that was about a foot square and he threw it at me. I ducked and it smashed and he never said a word nor did I.
About a year ago, I was going to get into the car and he came back in the house and I heard a crash and he came out and said well, I had an accident and he had broken one of my huge figurines that was worth over $100 and I had the mate to it and I smashed it in total frustration. I keep nothing out for him to smash of mine now. I am trying to get physically healthier through the gym and maybe, I can get up enough courage to try to go back to work even at Walmart and work through my pain of Fibro and severe arthritis.
This situation is the most awful portion of my life so far and it is nearly as bad as when my parents used to fight and then my father was drunk and that was an awful lot. I made a promise to myself that I would never stay in a marriage where I knew this kind of fear but where on earth can I go as I could never stand one of those homeless places where they have all the little kids.
I mentioned that I would like to grow a couple of tomato plants again and that was definitely wrong as he almost screamed at me for even suggesting it and said we would never have them again. So I can forget that idea. Bad of me to want to grow anything. There is no hope for me and maybe death is the answer to not only our problems but his problem with me. He wants his house to be fancy but wants no one to visit and makes no bones about me wanting to get together with anyone. I have been hiding so much and keeping it all inside and can not do it anymore. I believe my one son has him figured out and he tries to invite us for every holiday as he knows what a torrture I will have to go through to have anything here. Of course, I have been over-worked and he has contrbuted very little. Everyone seems to forget I am legally considered disabled and every single thing I do is a real accomplishment. If I had a lot more help just straightening up for a get-together but he hates it and makes remark after remark about me wasting money and time and how much he just does not like all this extra work and preparation for what will only be a couple of hours. I have stood it for years and nearly killed myself in the past just trying to exist and I am not sure how much longer that will last.
His sister just had her second nervous break-down and she has more or less refused to speak to him on the phone. He is angry about that too. Heck she is a huge thief and stole what should have been his share of his Mother's estate as her name appeared on all her Mother's accounts and the woman took it all. Nice lady!
I had nothing to do with it but he sure as heck is nasty to me and for what I have no clue. I am the one who did without a husband so many days of our early marriage and nights too for that matter and I am the one who he told in the last year that he wished he had never stayed married to me when he found out how badly I wanted kids as he had never wanted any and they had been nothing but problems for him for years. He told me that he wished he had just left me! Thanks fellow after 50 years and I am old, fat and ungly and short fat and dumpy and now you tell me you nearly left me the first few months of marriage because I wanted kids.
He used to go to work before I arrived home from work and then would come home after I had gone to work. That went on 6 nights a week and I had a husband for my conjugal visits on Saturday and perhaps Sunday mornings. What kind of life is that? I accepted it because I was Catholic and had to obey my marriage vows. But as I look at it I was his licensed concubine. Marriage License that is!
I was so stupid and he was working for peanuts and I was working and I never saw him unless I drove down to his work and visited with him. I even drove out and stayed with my parents as he was so absent. I am sure I got pregnant on one of our Saturday visits. Silly when I think about it now.
I will not end my own life so if something happens to me, I hope someone reads this and he will be investigated for my death. I do not trust him. I have no family left and no cares about me anymore. My life is technically nearly over. Have no lady friends to discuss this with who do nto have their own crosses to bare so I go on and pray for God's Help and forigveness for my sins. Tonight I actually prayed that he would not kill us. I have nothing for him left but contempt. God forgive me for my sins!
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Illness to insanity or which comes first?
I am not well and have not been for years! But my husbands many illnesses are slowly driving me to the bottom of a bottomless cavern of dispair.
Let's see, he has stage 3 kidney disease, diabetes and aortic stenosis. He has had a quadruple bi-pass and that was in 2001. He nearly died then as he had a bleeder and they had to go back in the same day e had the first surgery and fix him again. He was in ICU from Monday through late Thrusday and then transferred to a one. We thought wow, this is great. As badk as he looked and he looked gray, he was at least one step closer to getting home. They came in to give him another blood transfusion and right after they removed it and left the room he started to turn white and shaking like mad. I scream we need a nurse in room whatever it was STAT and I had nearly a hospital of nurses in that room and then they Physicians assistant came in and asked me what I saw happen and ordered stuff for Tim. I explaned what I saw and Tim tried weakly to tell him the same thing and he told us that is was classic for a reaction to a blood transfusion and that there had to be something in that particular donor lbood that Tim was allergic too. He went so far as to say that if I had not been in the room and actedd so quickly Tim could have gone into shock and then death was imminent. So for those of you who never knew this verify it and never walk out of a room where your loved one is getting a transfusion . Did I wake some of you up with this warning, well, I hope so, as it has me scared to freakening death.
Why did I know what to do, I will never know but to say that God provided me with the strength when I needed it. Makes you wonder why so many people die and the diagnosis will be complications from surgery and the family is grieving so badly that they never really get an answer. My husband had to have 9 pints of whole blood and 3 pints of plasma after those 2 surgeries in one day so I was 3 times as afraid. Pray, you bet, I did. Talk to God, certainly and constantly. I know I don't have to say it's me as he knows who it is before I open my mouth.
Ok, that is where my journey to insanity began or at least I think that is where it started, but , wait, it might go back to when my tall robust, handsome Daddy had a heart attack on a Sunday after he played a round of golf and hit his first and only whole in one and he had a heart attack and would nto let my Mom call the doctor. He also did something so stupid that it made me ill. He refused to let my Mom turn the Ac unit on which would have helped him breathe better and finally after many phone calls between my Mom and I she finally gave me permission to come over to talk to him. Tim and I got a sitter and ran out to South Lorain, OH to see what we could do. I looked at him and my Daddy was pretty dam pale and his skin was clammy and he complained of a pain that was the worst he had ever had in his life. So, I sat down in the cahir by is bed and cajoled him into letting me call our Dr. and he agreed. The doc arrived in about 20 minutes and he said it looked like my suspicions were correct and Daddy had a heart attack. So, he called an ambulance and we followed them to the hospital and I called my married borhter as I knew he would want to know and they got her Mom to watch her kids and they met us at the hospital. Daddy was put in the cardiac intensive care unit and at that time it was supposedly the best in Lorain County. Well, on Monday, they told Mom and I that Daddy had indeed had a heart attack but that if all went well, he might be home in 6 weeks time and that he would probably be alright. Well, they lied! the very next day he was dead. Again, I can nto stress, do not smoke and if you do STOP.
In January, Daddy needed to have a tooth pulled and as I was the only driver available I took him to the oral surgeons office in Elyria, OH, and waited and pretty soon he came out and said we had to go home. I said, ok, when we got in my car, I said I am not moving this car until you tell me why they would not pull your tooth and he said, because my dam blood pressure was to high. He said they told him to go straight to the hospital at Elyria Memorial and I started to drive there. But he siad if you go there I will not get out and go in or I will get out and call at cab. Stubborn fool. So, I cried but drov ehim home and woudl ask him and make him mad nearly weekly about let's go to the doctor's or had he been to the doctor's and it was always he was gonna do it next week. Next week alwas came and went and he did not do it.
Daddy never made it to the docotr's. His sister, his favorite sister, was to have come to Ohio for 2 weeks in July and she had a stroke the night before she was to board the plane and it was so bad the doctors asked the family in Memphis to get the rest of us together as she was not expected to live. So on Sunday we all drove to Memphis. My husband and I made it intot the hospital parking garage first and I got chosen to go in at the next visiting session which was 2 people( only) every hour for 16 min. So, I looked and saw my Great aunt sitting there and looked at her and held out my hand and said want to go with me? She said yes, and she and I were told we could talk to my wonderful Aunt Maybelle and no one really knew what the person who was so ill could hear. So I started talking to her about getting us all to Memphis when she was supposed to be in Ohio.
Told her how we had just rushed ourselved ragged getting there and the very least she could do was wake up and get out of that bed and cook us some of her famous Ravioli. Told her Daddy and Momma would be in to see her in a few ininutes. My Great Aunt Lena, said Mammie Belle, now, you need too look at Miss Sharon here all these miles to see you. She said do you hear us and I said if you can hear me try to squeeze my hand and she did and we reported it to the doctor and he said oh it was just a nervous reflex and I said, well, sure seemed right to me. sure enough, she did not do it again.
we stayed in Memphis mostly at the hospital for nearly a week and she showed no moe response. The only thing was when I was with her and talking to her as though she could hear me and answer me, her blood pressure would go up and her vitals would improve.
We arrived home worried as heck about her and prayed our knees off. Then, the news was she is staying the same and may never wake-up to where she once was. We never lost hope but knew that she was in a good hospital and if there was anything that could bring her back to us whole it would be prayer.
that was July 15th that she had her stoke and in the next 2 weeks we all just lived in la-la land. Nothing more we could do.
Then, on August 2nd, my big robust father played his last round of golf he would ever play. He would be dead 2 days later and she never could be told until after my birthday in October and then the doctors felt she needed to be told as she kept asking for him. she said where is Mike and why isn't he here?
I saved the letter she wrote after she was told with her doctor present. She said, she could not beleive we had such a tragedy and was so sorry she could not be there for me. How wonderful of her to be so unselfish as to think of all of us first. As her strength increased which it did day by day, she was back on her feet in 6 months and walking and also using her wheel chair to go out but she was back and we talked nearly daily. what wonderful fun we had. She would talk to my children and tell them good night. By the following October, she arrived a whole year and a few months late but she flew into Cleveland Airport. She was totally incontinent and no one told us. She had soaked through her clothing and I saw her coat was wringing wet and grabbed an old blanket I kept in the car for her to put around her as I politely told her that it was so much colder in Ohio than Memphis and I was taking good care of her. When she got to our house she changed every single bit of clothing and I washed it all and she was good as new. She said she did not realize it but must have sat in something on the plane. I pretended that all was well. I warned my Mom about it and put plastic under my throws on the couches. Mom forgot and when she went there, she had a major disaster.
Mother was real angry and they had words and I went and picked her up and brought her back to our house as though I had not heard a thing about their battle. she was very quiet and said she seemed to be having a problem and I said, I seem to have a real problem and I said well we can take care of it and so I bought the plastic covers with paper on them and also a huge mattress cover and got her some adult diapers and while she hated them she was glad not to be embarassed. She said wow, I feel like a new woman. so, she went home and they got a call telling them what brand to buy and that she was fine with them too.
boy, there were a whole bunch of older folks than me and some younger too and not one of them could do anymore than go Poor thing, Hell she didn't want to be a poor thing but wanted to be welcomed by them and they avoided having her in their homes because they refused to address the issue. She lived until just after her birthday in May of 1974 and passed away in her sleep. How sad to think she is gone. Daddy first and she close behind by 4 years. Imagine the doctors gave up on her and she fooled them all. When she squeezed my hand that day, I knew she was not gone very far and would make it back. Medicine is not an exact science and there is just so much guess work. She outlived their great Aunt who was not to die until the late 70's and we could hardly believe that she was still around all those years later.
Let's see, he has stage 3 kidney disease, diabetes and aortic stenosis. He has had a quadruple bi-pass and that was in 2001. He nearly died then as he had a bleeder and they had to go back in the same day e had the first surgery and fix him again. He was in ICU from Monday through late Thrusday and then transferred to a one. We thought wow, this is great. As badk as he looked and he looked gray, he was at least one step closer to getting home. They came in to give him another blood transfusion and right after they removed it and left the room he started to turn white and shaking like mad. I scream we need a nurse in room whatever it was STAT and I had nearly a hospital of nurses in that room and then they Physicians assistant came in and asked me what I saw happen and ordered stuff for Tim. I explaned what I saw and Tim tried weakly to tell him the same thing and he told us that is was classic for a reaction to a blood transfusion and that there had to be something in that particular donor lbood that Tim was allergic too. He went so far as to say that if I had not been in the room and actedd so quickly Tim could have gone into shock and then death was imminent. So for those of you who never knew this verify it and never walk out of a room where your loved one is getting a transfusion . Did I wake some of you up with this warning, well, I hope so, as it has me scared to freakening death.
Why did I know what to do, I will never know but to say that God provided me with the strength when I needed it. Makes you wonder why so many people die and the diagnosis will be complications from surgery and the family is grieving so badly that they never really get an answer. My husband had to have 9 pints of whole blood and 3 pints of plasma after those 2 surgeries in one day so I was 3 times as afraid. Pray, you bet, I did. Talk to God, certainly and constantly. I know I don't have to say it's me as he knows who it is before I open my mouth.
Ok, that is where my journey to insanity began or at least I think that is where it started, but , wait, it might go back to when my tall robust, handsome Daddy had a heart attack on a Sunday after he played a round of golf and hit his first and only whole in one and he had a heart attack and would nto let my Mom call the doctor. He also did something so stupid that it made me ill. He refused to let my Mom turn the Ac unit on which would have helped him breathe better and finally after many phone calls between my Mom and I she finally gave me permission to come over to talk to him. Tim and I got a sitter and ran out to South Lorain, OH to see what we could do. I looked at him and my Daddy was pretty dam pale and his skin was clammy and he complained of a pain that was the worst he had ever had in his life. So, I sat down in the cahir by is bed and cajoled him into letting me call our Dr. and he agreed. The doc arrived in about 20 minutes and he said it looked like my suspicions were correct and Daddy had a heart attack. So, he called an ambulance and we followed them to the hospital and I called my married borhter as I knew he would want to know and they got her Mom to watch her kids and they met us at the hospital. Daddy was put in the cardiac intensive care unit and at that time it was supposedly the best in Lorain County. Well, on Monday, they told Mom and I that Daddy had indeed had a heart attack but that if all went well, he might be home in 6 weeks time and that he would probably be alright. Well, they lied! the very next day he was dead. Again, I can nto stress, do not smoke and if you do STOP.
In January, Daddy needed to have a tooth pulled and as I was the only driver available I took him to the oral surgeons office in Elyria, OH, and waited and pretty soon he came out and said we had to go home. I said, ok, when we got in my car, I said I am not moving this car until you tell me why they would not pull your tooth and he said, because my dam blood pressure was to high. He said they told him to go straight to the hospital at Elyria Memorial and I started to drive there. But he siad if you go there I will not get out and go in or I will get out and call at cab. Stubborn fool. So, I cried but drov ehim home and woudl ask him and make him mad nearly weekly about let's go to the doctor's or had he been to the doctor's and it was always he was gonna do it next week. Next week alwas came and went and he did not do it.
Daddy never made it to the docotr's. His sister, his favorite sister, was to have come to Ohio for 2 weeks in July and she had a stroke the night before she was to board the plane and it was so bad the doctors asked the family in Memphis to get the rest of us together as she was not expected to live. So on Sunday we all drove to Memphis. My husband and I made it intot the hospital parking garage first and I got chosen to go in at the next visiting session which was 2 people( only) every hour for 16 min. So, I looked and saw my Great aunt sitting there and looked at her and held out my hand and said want to go with me? She said yes, and she and I were told we could talk to my wonderful Aunt Maybelle and no one really knew what the person who was so ill could hear. So I started talking to her about getting us all to Memphis when she was supposed to be in Ohio.
Told her how we had just rushed ourselved ragged getting there and the very least she could do was wake up and get out of that bed and cook us some of her famous Ravioli. Told her Daddy and Momma would be in to see her in a few ininutes. My Great Aunt Lena, said Mammie Belle, now, you need too look at Miss Sharon here all these miles to see you. She said do you hear us and I said if you can hear me try to squeeze my hand and she did and we reported it to the doctor and he said oh it was just a nervous reflex and I said, well, sure seemed right to me. sure enough, she did not do it again.
we stayed in Memphis mostly at the hospital for nearly a week and she showed no moe response. The only thing was when I was with her and talking to her as though she could hear me and answer me, her blood pressure would go up and her vitals would improve.
We arrived home worried as heck about her and prayed our knees off. Then, the news was she is staying the same and may never wake-up to where she once was. We never lost hope but knew that she was in a good hospital and if there was anything that could bring her back to us whole it would be prayer.
that was July 15th that she had her stoke and in the next 2 weeks we all just lived in la-la land. Nothing more we could do.
Then, on August 2nd, my big robust father played his last round of golf he would ever play. He would be dead 2 days later and she never could be told until after my birthday in October and then the doctors felt she needed to be told as she kept asking for him. she said where is Mike and why isn't he here?
I saved the letter she wrote after she was told with her doctor present. She said, she could not beleive we had such a tragedy and was so sorry she could not be there for me. How wonderful of her to be so unselfish as to think of all of us first. As her strength increased which it did day by day, she was back on her feet in 6 months and walking and also using her wheel chair to go out but she was back and we talked nearly daily. what wonderful fun we had. She would talk to my children and tell them good night. By the following October, she arrived a whole year and a few months late but she flew into Cleveland Airport. She was totally incontinent and no one told us. She had soaked through her clothing and I saw her coat was wringing wet and grabbed an old blanket I kept in the car for her to put around her as I politely told her that it was so much colder in Ohio than Memphis and I was taking good care of her. When she got to our house she changed every single bit of clothing and I washed it all and she was good as new. She said she did not realize it but must have sat in something on the plane. I pretended that all was well. I warned my Mom about it and put plastic under my throws on the couches. Mom forgot and when she went there, she had a major disaster.
Mother was real angry and they had words and I went and picked her up and brought her back to our house as though I had not heard a thing about their battle. she was very quiet and said she seemed to be having a problem and I said, I seem to have a real problem and I said well we can take care of it and so I bought the plastic covers with paper on them and also a huge mattress cover and got her some adult diapers and while she hated them she was glad not to be embarassed. She said wow, I feel like a new woman. so, she went home and they got a call telling them what brand to buy and that she was fine with them too.
boy, there were a whole bunch of older folks than me and some younger too and not one of them could do anymore than go Poor thing, Hell she didn't want to be a poor thing but wanted to be welcomed by them and they avoided having her in their homes because they refused to address the issue. She lived until just after her birthday in May of 1974 and passed away in her sleep. How sad to think she is gone. Daddy first and she close behind by 4 years. Imagine the doctors gave up on her and she fooled them all. When she squeezed my hand that day, I knew she was not gone very far and would make it back. Medicine is not an exact science and there is just so much guess work. She outlived their great Aunt who was not to die until the late 70's and we could hardly believe that she was still around all those years later.
50th anniversary denied!
Well that big day is coming and we are thinking that our celebration will be to let the car roll backwards down the drive way and start it to come back up and yell Happy Anniversary, Honey. Who can afford gas to go anywhere. We can cook out on the lanai and take a dip in the pool and that will be our celebration.
Now, one child said why Mom that is a big deal and you deserve to go on a cruise and I said did you ever hear about that cruise ship that is laying on it's side and all those passengers still missing? He said oh that is just a freak of nature that that happened and this week there was another one that was stranded with no power in pirate infested waters off the coast of Africa with no AC, no running water and unsanitary toilet facilities. Nope, I may be a dope but cruising is not for me. Then, all those poor people who got the Noro virus about several of the ships. I can get sick at home and do not want to be offered a free cruise on that same ship next year. NO WAY<
We had just wanted to go to Ashville, NC, and spend a few days and enjoy the Biltmore Estate but now gas has caused us to just take the driveway trip. Husband has a lot of health issues and may need to rest anyway until next fall so our anniversary on May 12 will be just another day. Pretty sucky but oh well, we are still together after all these years and that is because we are both to ornery to leave and who else would want us. We are stuck like glue!
Now, one child said why Mom that is a big deal and you deserve to go on a cruise and I said did you ever hear about that cruise ship that is laying on it's side and all those passengers still missing? He said oh that is just a freak of nature that that happened and this week there was another one that was stranded with no power in pirate infested waters off the coast of Africa with no AC, no running water and unsanitary toilet facilities. Nope, I may be a dope but cruising is not for me. Then, all those poor people who got the Noro virus about several of the ships. I can get sick at home and do not want to be offered a free cruise on that same ship next year. NO WAY<
We had just wanted to go to Ashville, NC, and spend a few days and enjoy the Biltmore Estate but now gas has caused us to just take the driveway trip. Husband has a lot of health issues and may need to rest anyway until next fall so our anniversary on May 12 will be just another day. Pretty sucky but oh well, we are still together after all these years and that is because we are both to ornery to leave and who else would want us. We are stuck like glue!
Friday, March 30, 2012
Losses and fears!
Today I can count my losses which in less than a years time have been far to many by anyone's books.
First, I lost my wonderful brohter who was only 60 and who by his own words wanted to get out the hospital and get well and go home. When, I asked him, if he wanted to get well and get out of that place, his answer although weak was probably the strongest he had been in weeks when he answered, Hell, Yes! Hmm, that was not to be and he left there to go to the Funeral Home and now he is forever gone.
Not in my heart, not ever!
Less than a month later our MOther went to the ER for what turned out to be impacted bowel and she would never walk again after her 3rd day there. The doctor refused to send to her to Hospice House but insisted she might be able to be rehabbed and ordered her to go to a rehab/nursing home. Strong hse was but she was very tired of this life and all the disapointments and I beleive my brother's death, her baby was the last straw for her. she told us repeatedly how she wanted to go and be with my Father and the boys. Finally one morning she did.
The loss of both of them so close together was like I had been hit in the head with a baseball bat. I still can't believe I don't have to get her hearing aide batteries at the store of some other stuff she might need. I could not believe it when I cleaned out her closet at the ALF and found the last outfit we had ever bought for her still on a hanger and with the tags still on it and we think she never tried it on. So, that was just another shock. I found cards and notes and photos from so many folks that she always told me she never heard from. My husband and I were amazed at how much there is still for me to go through. The photos alone are priceless and the cards and little notes that folks sent her so thoughtful and she must have forgotten that they had even sent them.
Dementia is awful. Her mind would see so sharp but she had moments where we had no clue that she was trying to take us.
Then, due to our poor fiancial picture I felt compelled to sell my nice jewelry which I had received as gifts from my husband and even friends throughout the years. I was nto wearing it for fear of being knocked down and robbed for a gold ring or braclet. My life is worth more to me than that.
This was another loss and I know as all humans we lose people and things and friends died this year too. Not to many here in Florida but in my outreach circle of friends. to knwo I will never receive a card or a call or a hello from them is just hurtful. we all go through this but did it all have to happen in less than a year?
I do not even want to love or like anyone so when they go on to heaven I won't feel so bad. What a cowardly admission, but, never-the-less, a true one.
The heart doctor tells me sort of bad stuff aout my own health and I wonder if I will beat my husband to the mortuary. He is so ill and yet seems so strong. Me, I just feel like heck today and have for about 4 days now and it is my allergies and I do not want to have to take Prednisone again, but that is where I am headed I am afraid.
Youngest son and his wife and family will be moving in a few months and God how I will miss him. He makes me laugh even when he makes me upset. He has a very quick wit and yet he has a sly side which includes lying and it is getting between the layers of truth and lie that plague me. He never used to be this way or was I blind to it? right now, I am praying so very hard for his wife's health and that of their un-born twin boys. I know you can pray as hard as you want to but it is in God's Hands and while He does listen, He has His Own Plan.
Other dear friends just told us that they sold their home and are moving to North Caroline and I was devastated as I always thought they would just be here until God took me. If the move will make then happy, then, great but it makes me very sad.
My oldest grand-son turned 18 and I had so hoped he would find his voice in his Downs World but he is not doinf that and I have no clue what or if he will ever be able to hold down a job of any kind. so sad for that loss for him and in a way for me as I have missed 18 years of him answering or responding to me when I have spoken to him. He can say Ma Witch his nick-name for me and Gampa Witch for my husband and tells us over and over again how much he loves us but that is about it. So sad to think of his life possibly going on after I am gone and knowing he will never be able to drive or even marry. So dang many losses.
Then, now, I will lose my 9 year old grand-son, my little Gabby child when his parents move away to follow their careers in management and I understand it is time they spread their wings and flew away but it is so awful to think I can only speak to him by phone when or if they answer it and I will only get to see him now and again. I will miss that sweet little voice and his smart mouthed ways. It is tearing my insides up, all these losses.
I am trying to be prepared for whatever may happen to my husband when he has his heart surgery and he may have to go on dialysis before that as his kidneys are starting to act up. Diabetes is not under control either. although it is some better. I have done all I could to make his meals by the directions of the Daibetic folks and the kidney people too. What else can I do and when he goes shopping and buys whatever he wants then I just feel like I have somehow failed him. that old adage, "you can lead a orse to Water but you can't make him drink" comes to mind.
First, I lost my wonderful brohter who was only 60 and who by his own words wanted to get out the hospital and get well and go home. When, I asked him, if he wanted to get well and get out of that place, his answer although weak was probably the strongest he had been in weeks when he answered, Hell, Yes! Hmm, that was not to be and he left there to go to the Funeral Home and now he is forever gone.
Not in my heart, not ever!
Less than a month later our MOther went to the ER for what turned out to be impacted bowel and she would never walk again after her 3rd day there. The doctor refused to send to her to Hospice House but insisted she might be able to be rehabbed and ordered her to go to a rehab/nursing home. Strong hse was but she was very tired of this life and all the disapointments and I beleive my brother's death, her baby was the last straw for her. she told us repeatedly how she wanted to go and be with my Father and the boys. Finally one morning she did.
The loss of both of them so close together was like I had been hit in the head with a baseball bat. I still can't believe I don't have to get her hearing aide batteries at the store of some other stuff she might need. I could not believe it when I cleaned out her closet at the ALF and found the last outfit we had ever bought for her still on a hanger and with the tags still on it and we think she never tried it on. So, that was just another shock. I found cards and notes and photos from so many folks that she always told me she never heard from. My husband and I were amazed at how much there is still for me to go through. The photos alone are priceless and the cards and little notes that folks sent her so thoughtful and she must have forgotten that they had even sent them.
Dementia is awful. Her mind would see so sharp but she had moments where we had no clue that she was trying to take us.
Then, due to our poor fiancial picture I felt compelled to sell my nice jewelry which I had received as gifts from my husband and even friends throughout the years. I was nto wearing it for fear of being knocked down and robbed for a gold ring or braclet. My life is worth more to me than that.
This was another loss and I know as all humans we lose people and things and friends died this year too. Not to many here in Florida but in my outreach circle of friends. to knwo I will never receive a card or a call or a hello from them is just hurtful. we all go through this but did it all have to happen in less than a year?
I do not even want to love or like anyone so when they go on to heaven I won't feel so bad. What a cowardly admission, but, never-the-less, a true one.
The heart doctor tells me sort of bad stuff aout my own health and I wonder if I will beat my husband to the mortuary. He is so ill and yet seems so strong. Me, I just feel like heck today and have for about 4 days now and it is my allergies and I do not want to have to take Prednisone again, but that is where I am headed I am afraid.
Youngest son and his wife and family will be moving in a few months and God how I will miss him. He makes me laugh even when he makes me upset. He has a very quick wit and yet he has a sly side which includes lying and it is getting between the layers of truth and lie that plague me. He never used to be this way or was I blind to it? right now, I am praying so very hard for his wife's health and that of their un-born twin boys. I know you can pray as hard as you want to but it is in God's Hands and while He does listen, He has His Own Plan.
Other dear friends just told us that they sold their home and are moving to North Caroline and I was devastated as I always thought they would just be here until God took me. If the move will make then happy, then, great but it makes me very sad.
My oldest grand-son turned 18 and I had so hoped he would find his voice in his Downs World but he is not doinf that and I have no clue what or if he will ever be able to hold down a job of any kind. so sad for that loss for him and in a way for me as I have missed 18 years of him answering or responding to me when I have spoken to him. He can say Ma Witch his nick-name for me and Gampa Witch for my husband and tells us over and over again how much he loves us but that is about it. So sad to think of his life possibly going on after I am gone and knowing he will never be able to drive or even marry. So dang many losses.
Then, now, I will lose my 9 year old grand-son, my little Gabby child when his parents move away to follow their careers in management and I understand it is time they spread their wings and flew away but it is so awful to think I can only speak to him by phone when or if they answer it and I will only get to see him now and again. I will miss that sweet little voice and his smart mouthed ways. It is tearing my insides up, all these losses.
I am trying to be prepared for whatever may happen to my husband when he has his heart surgery and he may have to go on dialysis before that as his kidneys are starting to act up. Diabetes is not under control either. although it is some better. I have done all I could to make his meals by the directions of the Daibetic folks and the kidney people too. What else can I do and when he goes shopping and buys whatever he wants then I just feel like I have somehow failed him. that old adage, "you can lead a orse to Water but you can't make him drink" comes to mind.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Sort of upset!
Having to sell my jewelry that I received mostly when I was working and some of which had been laid away and it meant so much to me just to know that it was there. ha Ha! Money is needed and perhaps very soon as hubby may need to go to Miami for his aortic valve replacement. What a mess this all is! I have done without and just realized that there is very little money and this had to be done. Sort of the same thing happened when he needed to be off work for 4 months after his Open Heart Surgery. I had to take nearly all of my money that I had stashed away in my IRA and use it to keep our heads above water
I thought this was what you were supposed to do in a marriage. But after I took all the stuff to the 2 places I went today, my husband said you did nto get rid of all those emerald rings did you and all your gold bracelets and I said, well, I showed them to you 3 days ago and you did not say don't sell any of it. It is gone now, absolutely, a memory and I thought to myself, why didn't you take the stuff I bought you.
Am I dying and do I have an illness that I don't know about and he does? Is this why he simply acted so lame? I dont' know as it was just to traumatic to have this stuff all so pretty and so loved and so full of memories one minute and within less than a half hour they are all gone. Really hurting, but trying to be brave as usual. He is acting like an idiot about a bicycle that just sits in the garage and collects dust as he never rides it. What is up with that? We can make money which we need and it just sits. I will give him 2 more days and then it will go on craig's list! If I have to sell and be strong then by God, he had better do the same dam thing.
I have taken care of people and helped him thoughout our marriage oh so much and worked when I could hardly walk and yet, I did it to try and keep things smoothly running around here. I did nto knwo what was the matter and finally found a doctor to tell me I had this strange thing that I had never heard of called Fibromyalgia. As I read more about it I got real discouraged as I must have had it for years and years. Got the diagnosis in 1992 and I continued to fight it until I could hardly stand up in 1995.
since I have been off work, I have found out so much more about the illness and have been so discouraged. I look just overweight but I am very ill. so many other problems that go along with it.
I thought this was what you were supposed to do in a marriage. But after I took all the stuff to the 2 places I went today, my husband said you did nto get rid of all those emerald rings did you and all your gold bracelets and I said, well, I showed them to you 3 days ago and you did not say don't sell any of it. It is gone now, absolutely, a memory and I thought to myself, why didn't you take the stuff I bought you.
Am I dying and do I have an illness that I don't know about and he does? Is this why he simply acted so lame? I dont' know as it was just to traumatic to have this stuff all so pretty and so loved and so full of memories one minute and within less than a half hour they are all gone. Really hurting, but trying to be brave as usual. He is acting like an idiot about a bicycle that just sits in the garage and collects dust as he never rides it. What is up with that? We can make money which we need and it just sits. I will give him 2 more days and then it will go on craig's list! If I have to sell and be strong then by God, he had better do the same dam thing.
I have taken care of people and helped him thoughout our marriage oh so much and worked when I could hardly walk and yet, I did it to try and keep things smoothly running around here. I did nto knwo what was the matter and finally found a doctor to tell me I had this strange thing that I had never heard of called Fibromyalgia. As I read more about it I got real discouraged as I must have had it for years and years. Got the diagnosis in 1992 and I continued to fight it until I could hardly stand up in 1995.
since I have been off work, I have found out so much more about the illness and have been so discouraged. I look just overweight but I am very ill. so many other problems that go along with it.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Waiting to exhale!
Well that was a film or song or book title and right now I simply do not know which, But I am waiting to do it anyway.
After so much prednisone, 2 weeks of a Z-pak and so much darned Mucinex, I am done. Still coughing and sounding like an idiot every morning. Have washed and sanitized sheets, towels, bedding and still I cough and cough and cough some more. last year I got something similar than began in September and did not finish with medication until Christmas Eve. Now, that was way to long for anyone to be sick.
I have Fibro and fight that daily and have asthma and when I get an allergy attack well it is not pretty and I know to jump on top of something when I get a fever of nearly 103. That is a sign my body is fighting whatever is attacking it but no real answer to the what's and why's of it all. I tried resting and believe me I needed it. I was so exhausted and I feel that it is all due to the months of severe stress I went thru the last part of 2011.
Today, I had to turn down a free cat whom I had come to love. My son simply could not afford her allergy meds any longer with twin boys due very soon. the poor cat had itchy skin from God knows what and has had to have shots and pills and even flea dip and she still could not seemingly get well. She is probably already put to sleep. My son is so upset as he loved her a lot. I told him that in life pets just can't come before people. It is the way of things. I have had to put many pets down through the years and I know his hurt very well. My one dog has a cough and gags a lot. I feel that soon I will have to stop ignoring and pretending it isn't happening and address the issue like an adult. the dog is eating ok and not loosing weight so I will hope he continues to do so. Loosing a pet is so hard and they had to do it. He simply could not afford any more vet bills and Gosh he tried to find it a home. She was a swet cat and if I did not have so many allergies I would have begged to bring her here but with 2 animals already here, we could not afford to adopt a sick one.
After so much prednisone, 2 weeks of a Z-pak and so much darned Mucinex, I am done. Still coughing and sounding like an idiot every morning. Have washed and sanitized sheets, towels, bedding and still I cough and cough and cough some more. last year I got something similar than began in September and did not finish with medication until Christmas Eve. Now, that was way to long for anyone to be sick.
I have Fibro and fight that daily and have asthma and when I get an allergy attack well it is not pretty and I know to jump on top of something when I get a fever of nearly 103. That is a sign my body is fighting whatever is attacking it but no real answer to the what's and why's of it all. I tried resting and believe me I needed it. I was so exhausted and I feel that it is all due to the months of severe stress I went thru the last part of 2011.
Today, I had to turn down a free cat whom I had come to love. My son simply could not afford her allergy meds any longer with twin boys due very soon. the poor cat had itchy skin from God knows what and has had to have shots and pills and even flea dip and she still could not seemingly get well. She is probably already put to sleep. My son is so upset as he loved her a lot. I told him that in life pets just can't come before people. It is the way of things. I have had to put many pets down through the years and I know his hurt very well. My one dog has a cough and gags a lot. I feel that soon I will have to stop ignoring and pretending it isn't happening and address the issue like an adult. the dog is eating ok and not loosing weight so I will hope he continues to do so. Loosing a pet is so hard and they had to do it. He simply could not afford any more vet bills and Gosh he tried to find it a home. She was a swet cat and if I did not have so many allergies I would have begged to bring her here but with 2 animals already here, we could not afford to adopt a sick one.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Never give up on the Irish!
I heard young movie star say that while he was being interviewed and I thought gosh, that is what my Mom had always told me. Never give up, be proud and stand tall and never ever quit!
Hmmm, these last few months have tested that skill I learned as a very little girl. I wonder if I am still as strong as I once was and then I sit back and think of all that took place between April of 2011 and Sept. of 2011 and know that somewhere in me there was still some strength.
Actually I thought I had lost it all but in truth, maybe, you never do. You just don't need it as much until the time actually arrives.
Now, this family is waiting on the birth of twin babies and the doc is pretty sure it is 2 boys. Wow, one baby was a miracle but 2 is absolutely mind boggling. I am 70 years old and they are looking to me to step and and baby-sit. Well, I am not so sure I want that responsibility as new born babies really need healthy folks to take care of them and I am not so healthy with a myriad of diagnosis. My husband is the same way. We want to see them and be with them and maybe for an hour or so stay with them but as to watching them all day any day and I am ready to roll my sleeping bag up and head out. I am afraid, of 2 babies that aren't even here yet!
That took a lot to type those words! I feared my brother's death, both of them and then my Mom's death and we lived her agony daily. She had some wonderful days when she was so bright and alert and we or I should say I foolishly felt she would be alright and could still beging to walk again. No one has explained to me the physical reason why she simply could not walk anymore or hold a spoon or a glass either. I do not understand it one little bit. They tell me she had End Stage Dementia and I say, she seemed to have had a stroke and that is when the world went away from her. The strange thing is she always knew us all. she called us by our names and even talked to us about subjects that were current occasionally but mostly she was back in time and talking about folks that she knew as a child who were long dead when I came along.
Miss my Mom, God knows I do every single day. I think I will remember to tell her something later and then I remember she probably already knows it and she is not ever going to have me tell her. I miss seeing her even as she had become in the last few years. Her bad moods included which were very frequent. I wonder if God will let me live to be 97 or let my husband live another few months or days or seconds even.
Being with death for all those months did something to me. I have not been back in a church yet I hear one calling me. I feel so dam lost. Raised as a Catholic and when I tried to get a priest to come to the funeral home so we could have a little prayer said I got ignored as they were to busy. Now, if I want to pay them $100 they will say a funeral Mass and if I want the organist she wants a $100 too and then the cantor wants $80. Now, my Mom was a devout Cathlic and I feel so badly that she has had none of that but her cremains remain here in a box waiting to be sent to OH for her internment with my Dad. I have the mone to do that thanks to contributions from many. Oh yes, that is a thousand dollars too for them to dig a hole in the same place where my Dad is and to put her in the ground!
Anniversaries!! If we are alive, we will celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary and I wonder who would want to join us in that celebration. Nearly everyone we have met since we moved to FL is dead or has moved away. So it is us and our kids. I am very sad as I wanted a nice little celebration like other folks have but guess I am not other folks. I have no clue how they managed to have the money to do it all with either. Those things cost money too and a lot of time an effort goes into the planning. If we went back to OH, I am sure I could make arrangements and we could renew our vows ery inexpensively at the Church we were married in and it still exists. So many have been closed as the Catholic Church paid off the people who were molested by the immoral priests. Bitter is the pill I swallow when I think of all this silly stuff.
My Mom would have wanted me to have a huge party and if she were alive she would have been there sitting in a chair observing all the festivities but she is not going to be there anymore than I am going to have any festivities.
I did call one Catholic Church and they need a years advance notice with a down payment to hold the date for us to renew our vows. I said who knows if they are going to be alive next year??
Hmmm, these last few months have tested that skill I learned as a very little girl. I wonder if I am still as strong as I once was and then I sit back and think of all that took place between April of 2011 and Sept. of 2011 and know that somewhere in me there was still some strength.
Actually I thought I had lost it all but in truth, maybe, you never do. You just don't need it as much until the time actually arrives.
Now, this family is waiting on the birth of twin babies and the doc is pretty sure it is 2 boys. Wow, one baby was a miracle but 2 is absolutely mind boggling. I am 70 years old and they are looking to me to step and and baby-sit. Well, I am not so sure I want that responsibility as new born babies really need healthy folks to take care of them and I am not so healthy with a myriad of diagnosis. My husband is the same way. We want to see them and be with them and maybe for an hour or so stay with them but as to watching them all day any day and I am ready to roll my sleeping bag up and head out. I am afraid, of 2 babies that aren't even here yet!
That took a lot to type those words! I feared my brother's death, both of them and then my Mom's death and we lived her agony daily. She had some wonderful days when she was so bright and alert and we or I should say I foolishly felt she would be alright and could still beging to walk again. No one has explained to me the physical reason why she simply could not walk anymore or hold a spoon or a glass either. I do not understand it one little bit. They tell me she had End Stage Dementia and I say, she seemed to have had a stroke and that is when the world went away from her. The strange thing is she always knew us all. she called us by our names and even talked to us about subjects that were current occasionally but mostly she was back in time and talking about folks that she knew as a child who were long dead when I came along.
Miss my Mom, God knows I do every single day. I think I will remember to tell her something later and then I remember she probably already knows it and she is not ever going to have me tell her. I miss seeing her even as she had become in the last few years. Her bad moods included which were very frequent. I wonder if God will let me live to be 97 or let my husband live another few months or days or seconds even.
Being with death for all those months did something to me. I have not been back in a church yet I hear one calling me. I feel so dam lost. Raised as a Catholic and when I tried to get a priest to come to the funeral home so we could have a little prayer said I got ignored as they were to busy. Now, if I want to pay them $100 they will say a funeral Mass and if I want the organist she wants a $100 too and then the cantor wants $80. Now, my Mom was a devout Cathlic and I feel so badly that she has had none of that but her cremains remain here in a box waiting to be sent to OH for her internment with my Dad. I have the mone to do that thanks to contributions from many. Oh yes, that is a thousand dollars too for them to dig a hole in the same place where my Dad is and to put her in the ground!
Anniversaries!! If we are alive, we will celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary and I wonder who would want to join us in that celebration. Nearly everyone we have met since we moved to FL is dead or has moved away. So it is us and our kids. I am very sad as I wanted a nice little celebration like other folks have but guess I am not other folks. I have no clue how they managed to have the money to do it all with either. Those things cost money too and a lot of time an effort goes into the planning. If we went back to OH, I am sure I could make arrangements and we could renew our vows ery inexpensively at the Church we were married in and it still exists. So many have been closed as the Catholic Church paid off the people who were molested by the immoral priests. Bitter is the pill I swallow when I think of all this silly stuff.
My Mom would have wanted me to have a huge party and if she were alive she would have been there sitting in a chair observing all the festivities but she is not going to be there anymore than I am going to have any festivities.
I did call one Catholic Church and they need a years advance notice with a down payment to hold the date for us to renew our vows. I said who knows if they are going to be alive next year??
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