Losses and fears!

Today I can count my losses which in less than a years time have been far to many by anyone's books.

First, I lost my wonderful brohter who was only 60 and who by his own words wanted to get out the hospital and get well and go home. When, I asked him, if he wanted to get well and get out of that place, his answer although weak was probably the strongest he had been in weeks when he answered, Hell, Yes! Hmm, that was not to be and he left there to go to the Funeral Home and now he is forever gone.
Not in my heart, not ever!

Less than a month later our MOther went to the ER for what turned out to be impacted bowel and she would never walk again after her 3rd day there. The doctor refused to send to her to Hospice House but insisted she might be able to be rehabbed and ordered her to go to a rehab/nursing home. Strong hse was but she was very tired of this life and all the disapointments and I beleive my brother's death, her baby was the last straw for her. she told us repeatedly how she wanted to go and be with my Father and the boys. Finally one morning she did.

The loss of both of them so close together was like I had been hit in the head with a baseball bat. I still can't believe I don't have to get her hearing aide batteries at the store of some other stuff she might need. I could not believe it when I cleaned out her closet at the ALF and found the last outfit we had ever bought for her still on a hanger and with the tags still on it and we think she never tried it on. So, that was just another shock. I found cards and notes and photos from so many folks that she always told me she never heard from. My husband and I were amazed at how much there is still for me to go through. The photos alone are priceless and the cards and little notes that folks sent her so thoughtful and she must have forgotten that they had even sent them.

Dementia is awful.  Her mind would see so sharp but she had moments where we had no clue that she was trying to take us. 

Then, due to our poor fiancial picture I felt compelled to sell my nice jewelry which I had received as gifts from my husband and even friends throughout the years. I was nto wearing it for fear of being knocked down and robbed for a gold ring or braclet. My life is worth more to me than that.
This was another loss and I know as all humans we lose people and things and friends died this year too. Not to many here in Florida but in my outreach circle of friends.  to knwo I will never receive a card or a call or a hello from them is just hurtful. we all go through this but did it all have to happen in less than a year?

I do not even want to love or like anyone so when they go on to heaven I won't feel so bad. What a cowardly admission, but, never-the-less, a true one.

The heart doctor tells me sort of bad stuff aout my own health and I wonder if I will beat my husband to the mortuary. He is so ill and yet seems so strong. Me, I just feel like heck today and have for about 4 days now and it is my allergies and I do not want to have to take Prednisone again, but that is where I am headed I am afraid.

Youngest son and his wife and family will be moving in a few months and God how I will miss him. He makes me laugh even when he makes me upset.  He has a very quick wit and yet he has a sly side which includes lying and it is getting between the layers of truth and lie that plague me. He never used to be this way or was I blind to it?  right now, I am praying so very hard for his wife's health and that of their un-born twin boys. I know you can pray as hard as you want to but it is in God's Hands and while He does listen, He has His Own Plan.

Other dear friends just told us that they sold their home and are moving to North Caroline and I was devastated as I always thought they would just be here until God took me.  If the move will make then happy, then, great but it makes me very sad.

My oldest grand-son turned 18 and I had so hoped he would find his voice in his Downs World but he is not doinf that and I have no clue what or if he will ever be able to hold down a job of any kind. so sad for that loss for him and in a way for me as I have missed 18 years of him answering or responding to me when I have spoken to him. He can say Ma Witch his nick-name for me and Gampa Witch for my husband and tells us over and over again how much he loves us but that is about it. So sad to think of his life possibly going on after I am gone and knowing he will never be able to drive or even marry. So dang many losses.

Then, now, I will lose my 9 year old grand-son, my little Gabby child when his parents move away to follow their careers in management and I understand it is time they spread their wings and flew away but it is so awful to think I can only speak to him by phone when or if they answer it and I will only get to see him now and again. I will miss that sweet little voice and his smart mouthed ways. It is tearing my insides up, all these losses.

I am trying to be prepared for whatever may happen to my husband when he has his heart surgery and he may have to go on dialysis before that as his kidneys are starting to act up. Diabetes is not under control either. although it is some better. I have done all I could to make his meals by the directions of the Daibetic folks and the kidney people too. What else can I do and when he goes shopping and buys whatever he wants then I just feel like I have somehow failed him. that old adage, "you can lead a orse to Water but you can't make him drink" comes to mind.