Fear of husband!

Afraid you bet I am. Never thought I would admit being afraid of anyone especially my husband, but if something happens to me I want this recorded. In the last 10 years he has threatened to kill us by aiming our motor vehicle at bridge over-passes and saying he was going to drive us into one and kill us both to make me happy at last. I don't know why everything I say or even action I have seems to infuriate him. I am the same person I have always been but he seems to really dislike me an awful lot. I do say I hate things a lot when I can't think of a better expression to describe what I feel.

I dislike the fact that he went to the bank and drew money out of our small CD accounts and made me go with him to find a newer used car. While it was true that my old van was beginning to nickle and dime us to death, he was always against me having the van from the first suggestion  years ago. I was so happy with it. But in a few days we had purchased a new pre-owned vehicle and it was the best we could find with what small money we had plus my van trade-in. I wanted to try to negotiate for more of a trade-in amount but he was angry because I said a word about that. I am not allowed to open my mouth anymore.

We joined a small gym and he acts like he isn't even with me most of the time. It is as though he wishes I was dead. He is not following the instructions written down by the instructor and does over the amounts we were directed to do. Then, he complains like heck about how bad he hurts, more so than even me and I have Fibromyalgia with pain thoughout my body.

Recently he told me that we would never have run into the financial problems we have if I hadn't gotten sick and had to quit and it was all my fault. OK, I am sick and I  am sure he is correct as he is always right about everything.

Tonight, there was a sivler car parked by our new pre-owned vehicle and this vehicle just happens to be silver and I said gosh, what a dummy I almost walked to that car door and he said how insulting as that is a piece of junk and I said well I was admitting out loud that I nearly made a stupid mistake and he said well I have heard you say 3 times this week that you wish you had your van back and you hate this vehicle so maybe I will just drive into a pole and kill us both as I can never make you happy. He started the car and then drove like a mad-man out of the parking lot and then came to a quick stop before entering traffic.

His actions are really absurd and he went to the bank some months back and signed for a pesonal loan to put in new kitchen counter-tops and to pay down a credit card. Putting us further in debt. He has already purchased the faucet for the one bathroom and plans to put enough aside to have that counter-top and sink replaced too. I told him we did not need to do that but he informed me that he wanted it and he was going to get it. When my Mom lived with us, I was not afraid of him and before I had my knee replacement surgery I wasn't either but he has been a real mean nasty person since he lost the money she paid him for her room and board and he got mad at me when I found her placement in an
ALF. Blamed me for losing that income too. She needed assistance and was so bad with her dementia that she could not be left alone for very long or she might have had a bad fall and I would never have forgiven myself. Her incontinence problems were awful. He constantly complained about how bad the garbage can smelled from her soiled diapers. There were many other complaints too about her fecal matter left on the toilet seat in the bathroom he liked to use when he came in from outside. Awful for that time is just not possible to tell. No words can tell anyone who has not lived through it how bad the situation was. How she went outside in the dogs play yard and walked in dog poop and then wiped her shoe on the track of the sliding door and all over the carpet on the lanai and all over the carpeting in the house claiming she did not know it was there. Believe me, I had to clean it up and it was no pleasure. Dementia had claimed her mind that day. Ohter days she was fine.

I think he may have some real dementia problems too. He seems to want to spend every dime we have saved and to hell with what I deserve. There are very few people that come here as he has to nap daily as he works 5 mornings a week and is very tired. That money should be used for the prescriptions we both need and any left over should be used to pay down credit cards that he keeps using to buy stuff that keeps falling apart on a home built back in 1986. I may not be the smartest kid on the block but I am not buying a thing for myself so that should  tell everyone that I am not going crazy with the credit cards. I wanted to buy a book for my Kindle Frie that he just had to buy me and he told me that I was not allowed to charge anything. I just downloaded what free books that might interest me and dont' order a thing for msyelf. Heck I might as well not have the thing.
I have clothes that were purchased back in 1998 and 1999 and very few in recent years that have not come from Walmart.
As the way things stand now, I will be afraid to speak to him or commuicate with him in anyway for fear he will do exactly what he says and has attempted to do but turned the wheel at the last minute. I am so afraid and have no idea who to go to to get help from and I am entitled to some money as for years I worked and helped and paid for stuff. After selling my jewelry last year and he went with me, he said, surely you did not  sell all of it and I looked at him dumb-founded as I showed him it all and he never said one word about me keeping it. Has my husband lost his mind? I am so concerned. I am a bitch and know it but this has become a weekly fright factory.

A few weeks back, I said the wrong thing to him and he was holding a plastic pill case that was about a foot square and he threw it at me. I ducked and it smashed and he never said a word nor did I.
 About a year ago, I was going to get  into the car and he came back in the house and I heard a crash and he came out and said well, I had an accident and he had broken one of my huge figurines that was worth over $100 and I had the mate to it and I smashed it in total frustration. I keep nothing out for him to smash of mine now. I am trying to get physically healthier through the gym and maybe, I can get up enough courage to try to go back to work even at Walmart and work through my pain of Fibro and severe arthritis.
This situation is the most awful portion of my life so far and it is nearly as bad as when my parents used to fight and then my father was drunk and that was an awful lot. I made a promise to myself that I would never stay in a marriage where I knew this kind of fear but where on earth can I go as I could never stand one of those homeless places where they have all the little kids.

I mentioned that I would like to grow a couple of tomato plants again and that was definitely wrong as he almost screamed at me for even suggesting it and said we would never have them again. So I can forget that idea. Bad of me to want to grow anything. There is no hope for me and maybe death is the answer to not only our problems but his problem with me. He wants his house to be fancy but wants no one to visit and makes no bones about me wanting to get together with anyone. I have been hiding so much and keeping it all inside and can not do it anymore. I believe my one son has him figured out and he tries to invite us for every holiday as he knows what a torrture I will have to go through to have anything here. Of course, I have been over-worked and he has contrbuted very little. Everyone seems to forget I am legally considered disabled and every single thing I do is a real accomplishment. If I had a lot more help just straightening up for a get-together but he hates it and makes remark after remark about me wasting money and time and how much he just does not like all this extra work and preparation for what will only be a couple of hours. I have stood it for years and nearly killed myself in the past just trying to exist and I am not sure how much longer that will last.
His sister just had her second nervous break-down and she has more or less refused to speak to him on the phone. He is angry about that too. Heck she is a huge thief and stole what should have been his share of his Mother's estate as her name appeared on all her Mother's accounts and the woman took it all. Nice lady!
I had nothing to do with it but he sure as heck is nasty to me and for what I have no clue. I am the one who did without a husband so many days of our early marriage and nights too for that matter and I am the one who he told in the last year that he wished he had never stayed married to me when he found out how badly I wanted kids as he had never wanted any and they had been nothing but problems for him for years. He told me that he wished he had just left me! Thanks fellow after 50 years and I am old, fat and ungly and short fat and dumpy and now you tell me you nearly left me the first few months of marriage because I wanted kids.
He used to go to work before I arrived home  from work and then would come home after I had gone to work. That went on 6 nights a week and I had a husband for my conjugal visits on Saturday and perhaps Sunday mornings. What kind of life is that?  I accepted it because I was Catholic and had to obey my marriage vows. But as I look at it I was his licensed concubine. Marriage License that is!

I was so stupid and he was working for peanuts and I was working and I never saw him unless I drove down to his work and visited with him. I even drove out and stayed with my parents as he was so absent. I am sure I got pregnant on one of our Saturday visits. Silly when I think about it now.

I will not end my own life so if something happens to me, I hope someone reads this and he will be investigated for my death. I do not trust him. I have no family left and no cares about me anymore. My life is technically nearly over. Have no lady friends to discuss this with who do nto have their own crosses to bare so I go on and pray for God's Help and forigveness for my sins. Tonight I actually prayed that he would not kill us. I have nothing for him left but contempt. God forgive me for my sins!