My little brother is gone too!

Ya know I can't believe it. My little brother should have been having a 61st brthday last August 29th. I know cause I remember when he was born. What happened to him is just so hard to think about. yet. it happened,
He was a wonderful young baby, child and even early teen. Then, he drifted as all kids do to his own friends. I had to accept that and still love him as an older sister should. I did!  I even made him my daughter's God -Father. He was so proud and I was proud of him knowing that the bond between them would last forever or so I thought.
Then, he announced to our Mom and Dad he was enlisting in the Army with his buddy. They were proud of him not wanting to run away from his duty but wanting to enlist as our Dad and his 3 brothers had.  Many were leaving the states for Canada or wherever they could to resist the Viet Nam war. I hated every single one of them. That is a truth as I am afraid I judged those draft dodgers very badly. Only God should judge anybody and I do know that but the human being in me, still made the error.
He want to Nam and there were times when my folks did not hear from him at all. He was in the front lines and worry does not even begin to say how we all felt. Candles were lit and prayers were said and hope was our anthem. On Jyly 4th, 1970, he returned from Nam. We had a big cook-out at my house and invited my older brother's family too but they could not make it. So it was us and our 2 kids and Mom and Daddy and the guest of honor. He was so unearthly quiet and seemed to be a nervous wreck. I got absolutely no info on what had happened to him in Nam and figured that he just did not want to bring up a bad subject in front of 2 little kids. Knowing him as I thought I did, well, I prayed he would eventually open up to me. He never did.

He did talk to our folks and told them most of it and they repeated it gradually to me. He had been in a fire fight in Nam and it was but oen of many and was in a fox-hole with his buddy and a live grenade was thrown in with them and his buddy threw himself on my brother and died and saved my brother's life. He lost many friends, but he made it home alive.
We knew nothing about PTSD back in those days. He was drinking a lot but well we figured it was age related and he would outgrown that and he never did.
I begged him not to drink and drive and to stop his chain smoking and he just laughed at his well-meaning bossy older sister. God how I wish I had not given up on him but I did. Yes, I did. Dealing with him when he wasn't drinking was bad but when he was on the sauce he was so ill-tempered and unpredictable that I simply could not handle that much hatred. He felt his buddy should not have died and the worst thing was our father died exactly 1 month after he came home from Nam.
daddy had a heart attack on Sunday and was dead on Tuesday morning. On that Sunday evening I wracked my brain trying to figure out where he was. Knew he was probably drinking at some of the young folks places and remembered hearing him mention one particular place and so I called them and said I was his sister and if he was there to tell him to get to the local hospital ASAP. told them that if he was to drunk to put him in a cab and get him there. The next thing I knew a very inebriated brother showed up at the hospital and of course Mom was all hollering at him for it too. Not the time to do that. I could see fear like none I had ever seen in my life written all over his face and also guilt and sheer ignorance for what to do.
2 mornings later he called me and said the words that none of us expected to hear, Daddy has taken a turn for the worse and the hospital said we had better get there. We lived the closest but I had to get a sitter to come and stay with my kids who were still sleeping and my husband and I drove like idiots to the hospital as though we could stop the terrible thing from happening but simply getting there. Take my words to heart, you can't stop God!
I could have gone in to be with my dead Father, but, I chose to wait for my Mom and give her that as it was her right to be with Daddy first. I saw the lights to his room were off and the blinds were closed and knew without a doubt that he was gone. When she arrived with my baby brother, he who stood taller than she looked over her head at me and shook his head and I just sighed yes. We waited for only about 5 seconds and my other brother and his wife pulled in. We all walked down the hall together and my Mom rang the bell and turned and said Sharon, please come in with me. I want you first. Lord, I did nto want to go in there at all. I did nto want to see my robust father no longer breathing but I knew I had to do as I was asked so I went in with her. The silence of that room was the worst I have ever experinced so far. No machines and no movement. They came in and asked me if I was willing to take some medication and believe me I would have taken anything to just go back home and have this all a bad dream. But the medication did not stop the pain but made me more secure. I had to be in charge of my emotions for my Mom's sake. Then, Mom told me to have my husband come in and I did as I was told and he hugged both of us and cried with us and told us how sorry he was. We all were crying so openly. I had to remember we were in the ICU unit of the cardiac section and we had to not upset anyone else. Then, Mom walked to the door and had the baby come in and he was so white he was nearly ashen. He later told me that his Daddy should not have been dead and why did God save him and take our Daddy. Why did he take Mom's husband?  Why, Why? why! we all had the same question and then my oldest brother went in with his wife and Mom and the other 3 of us just stood there and took turns holding each other and crying into each other's shoulders and arms. We had to make immediate decisions like which funeral home to call and which priest to call and so on and on.
My Mom hair turned perfectly white all around her face and she wrinkled up like a prune. It was the worst I had ever seen her. She had the Baby with her so I knew he would look out for her or so I thought anyway. Though that this tragedy would straighten his butt out. I had to call my sitter and tell her that Daddy had passed away and that we were going to be going with Mom and so on. she cried too. After all, in those days your neighbors were your sitters and helpers and cared about you and you cared about them and theirs too.
My brother lived with my Mom when he felt like it but was gone so much that she worried that much more about him. He was arrested more than once for DUI.  Acouple of times he had pulled into a parking lot to sleep in off and had been arrested for simply being behind the wheel even though he was not driving and as my husband got the call to tow the car the cops le thim take the brat home and give him heck.
My husband said man, what in the heck is wrong with you? We are all trying so hard to help your Mom and she needs every single one of us and that includes you the most as you still live there. so he promised to do better after a tongue lashing from every one of us. For awhile, he really seemed to try and was almost his old self. I had no idea that he was also smoking reefer. what a dummy I was. He just traded one addiction for another and then there were the free love giving girls. He had a ready line up of them and the next thing you know Mom said he was going to have to get married and I said to which one!!
Well, they got married and I kenw very little about the family except it was very large and he was very happy with them. Most were close to his age and certainly that was a big draw as he was 9 years younger than me and 8 years younger than our brother. so he really missed having the companionship of a sibling near his own age. he readily said that to me too. They all drank a lot and partied a lot and from what I know now they smoked that weed a lot too. Guess it was just their generation. I can nto judge them as if I got judged by how many times I have lost my temper and swore or whatever, well, I am probably headed straight to hell.
they had a little boy first and he was so cute and naturally I fell in love and was so happy to see him whenever I got the chance too. Mom watched him a lot and loved him so much and now he is a grown man and he was raised sort of thinking that his only family that cared about him was his Mom's and the rest of us were snobs or such. Never knew why my brother allowed that but it happened. I begged him to come and visit and he would promise they were coming and like all housewives in those days I made snacks and stuff kids would like and cleaned my house like the Pope was coming and they would not show up. No phone call no nothing. I began to hate that other family. I had time for my older brother and his family and they came over once in awhile and he would at least call. But the younger one, simply would nto answer his phone.

The worst year, was the year, they both, husband and wife excepted an invite for Thanksgiving dinner at my house. Mom came and helped and we had the nicest set up as I could afford and more food than we should have too. My oldest brohter called and his wife and kids all had a stomach flu and I said well, if you want to come by I can make you up containers to take home and when they are better you can let them eat it. You can always freeze it until they are better. he was so gracious and came and thanked me and left and said where is that rascal and I said well you know he will be late but don't worry he promised he would come and so did she so they will be here. I said, I am so happy. Momma was happy too. But an hour later we lit the candles and ate alone my husband, 3 children and my Mom. Angry, you bet and it took every single bit of self control I had not to go to her Mother's house and pull every hair out of her head and his and then whip the rest of her dam family. God how I hated those people. 3 days later I finally got him to answer the phone and asked where he was and he told me he had chosen to go to his wife's family dinner instead. I said and you could not call and he said well what was the point in doing that!! I told him to go to hell and did not speak to him for about a year. Mom was so upset and I told her to never mention him to me again.
I gave up on him then and never ever trusted him again. He liked to lie and that was just something we had been raised not to do and why he chose to do it I will never know.
I know when I heard he was dying last year, I was devasted. That could not be possible. so, after days of trying to figure out the right thing to do we took our dogs to the vets and drove 1273 miles one way to see him in the Cleveland Clinic. We were given his room number and directions of how to find the room and when we got  in the roon there were 2 very old looking men in the beds and neither oen of them resembled my baby brother. I simply could not believe I had come to the wrong place. both looked so yellow and sick and I said to my husband why he is heavier than either of these 2 men and my husband said wait a minute and he got right up next to the bed by the door and looked really hard at that man lying there and he called his name pretty loud and the man opened his blue eyes and we both knew that we were in the right place and it was to late.
Do I blame myself for giving up on him? Yep, I do, If I had tried harder maybe, just maybe, he might be alive today. but he drank himself to the grave. His wives family all liked to drink together and seem to be able to handle it but my brother could not. What a loss to see someone you love so much lying in a room alone. Everyone of his family had gone home. I was sort of grateful for that in a way to have him for a few minutes or whatever for ourselves. It was time I needed. He was so very near death. I knew it and he kept pulling at his oxygen tube trying to remove it and I said do you want to get well and get out of here and his very strong answer was Hell Yes!. so, I immediately started praying extra hard. I doubted the outcome would have been any different but God's wishes but never-the-less, my baby brother wanted to live and that was enough for me. He was strong enough to let me hold him like I used to when he was a baby and little boy and laid his head on my shoulder and let me rock him and I sang Mother's favorite lullabye to him, tooraluralura and he said Mom used to sing that and I said yes she did and he said but you sing it better and I thanked him and he said no thank you for singing it to me. I siad I love you so much and he said I love you too. He kissed me and held my hand for awhile but started to fret a lot and I could tell his end was coming no matter how many Our Father were said. I prayed he would not suffer any longer but would simply die in his sleep. He lingered thru Mother's Day and when we left the hospital that day< I had some little hope. Very little but never the less a little. He had been off the venitlator for several days and his vitals were weak but holding there own. As anyone knows someone who has been on a ventilator and has had pneumonia and liver failure and so many other bad complications his chances were very slim. His youngest boy asked me if I htought his Daddy was going to make it and I looked into his beautiful eyes and said son do you want me to look into your sweet honest eyes and tell you the truth of my thoughts or do you want me to siimply say I do not know. He said, the truth only, and I looked deeply into that young man's heart and told him that I was not God and I felt his Dad was not going to make it and that he had roughly a snowball's prayer of making it too. That night, he took a turn for the worse and they put him back on the ventilator again which now make the 3rd time. The last time I was to see him on this earth was in ICU with the ventilator and I knew there was no more hope. I was devastated. His family and his wife were so crushed. Yet, I had him first and when I had to leave on Tuesday to make the long drive back to FL, I knew that I would never see him alive again. but, God had another plan and he rallied enough to get out of ICU by Friday and he was even talking a little. I was home by then and hearing bits and pieces as his wife got a chance to text me. We had also made our peace with each other and I truly began to love the woman he would soon leave and felt so much heartache for her too.

I had to be the one to tell our Mom when God decided to take him away forever.  that was so hard to do. I had a tough decision as she was going to ask me if I heard from them as she always did and I knew I could not keep it together when I answered her so I called a priest and he met us at the ALF where Mom was residing and we told her the awful news. I wanted so badly to go back for his funeral, but finances were simply impossilbe. We had just spent over $2000 and a thousand of that was on dogggie boarding service and gasoline. I got rates from different airlines and none had a direct flight that I could afford out of Fort Myers or Sarasota. Some flew to Miami and then northward or to Texas and then Northward. Made no sense and the prices for the long lay overs between flights was awful. The cheapest price was $979 and the most expensive was over $1400. I was not able to go. It nearly killed me and then I had to worry more about Mom as her mental state had really deteriorate in the last couple of years. Sure enough, on the 22nd of the next month, she went to the Er and could walk that day and the next and was never able to stand again and would linger on for nearly 4 months and now she is gone too. Now she was 97 so she lead a really long life.
He should not be dead, he should still be around to call me for my birthday and I his and to drive me nuts with his banter.
I have now lost my Dad when he was only 56, my oldest brother at 63 and my Mom at 97 and my little brother at 60. What is wrong with this picture. well, every dam thing that is what. Maybe, if I had not given up on him all those years ago he might not ever had gotten liver problems. than, maybe, I could not have done anymore than I did either. I know I feel so bad for his wife and kids as he was a very gregarious person and they must miss him way more than me. I miss my little brother, the one I had before Viet Nam and they miss the Dad and husband and grand-father that they knew after that. so, I guess they got the best of his years or did I? I will never know that answer, Love him, loved him and will miss all of them the rest of my days. I am so far away from them in miledge and want so much for them to understand that they did not just lose the person they loved but I lost the first baby whose diapers I ever changed, who I ever gave a bottle too, who I ever palyed hide and seek with. I lost a part of me this May and will never get it back and then to lost my Mom less than 4 months late was just way to much and I do not know when or if I will ever get over it. I try to hide my feelings and go on but it is so very hard. They are having their own problems dealing but me, well, I have my kids who never got to know him very much as he went towards the other family and my kids miss my Mom and are having a hard time dealing with her loss. They have not even begun to realize how bad I really feel. A person can be this important to you and when you know you will never ever hear their voice again except in your dreams well, it becomes a really hard time to go to sleep. Losing them so close to each other is just to awful.
Wherever you are in Heaven little brother I feel you watching me and telling me to straighten out and go on living that you are finally alright. I know you are. Mother is with you and you guys had a wonderful birthday party for her on Thanksgiving day.God Bless you and hope you can talk God into forgiving me my hateful ways and arrogance.