I heard young movie star say that while he was being interviewed and I thought gosh, that is what my Mom had always told me. Never give up, be proud and stand tall and never ever quit!
Hmmm, these last few months have tested that skill I learned as a very little girl. I wonder if I am still as strong as I once was and then I sit back and think of all that took place between April of 2011 and Sept. of 2011 and know that somewhere in me there was still some strength.
Actually I thought I had lost it all but in truth, maybe, you never do. You just don't need it as much until the time actually arrives.
Now, this family is waiting on the birth of twin babies and the doc is pretty sure it is 2 boys. Wow, one baby was a miracle but 2 is absolutely mind boggling. I am 70 years old and they are looking to me to step and and baby-sit. Well, I am not so sure I want that responsibility as new born babies really need healthy folks to take care of them and I am not so healthy with a myriad of diagnosis. My husband is the same way. We want to see them and be with them and maybe for an hour or so stay with them but as to watching them all day any day and I am ready to roll my sleeping bag up and head out. I am afraid, of 2 babies that aren't even here yet!
That took a lot to type those words! I feared my brother's death, both of them and then my Mom's death and we lived her agony daily. She had some wonderful days when she was so bright and alert and we or I should say I foolishly felt she would be alright and could still beging to walk again. No one has explained to me the physical reason why she simply could not walk anymore or hold a spoon or a glass either. I do not understand it one little bit. They tell me she had End Stage Dementia and I say, she seemed to have had a stroke and that is when the world went away from her. The strange thing is she always knew us all. she called us by our names and even talked to us about subjects that were current occasionally but mostly she was back in time and talking about folks that she knew as a child who were long dead when I came along.
Miss my Mom, God knows I do every single day. I think I will remember to tell her something later and then I remember she probably already knows it and she is not ever going to have me tell her. I miss seeing her even as she had become in the last few years. Her bad moods included which were very frequent. I wonder if God will let me live to be 97 or let my husband live another few months or days or seconds even.
Being with death for all those months did something to me. I have not been back in a church yet I hear one calling me. I feel so dam lost. Raised as a Catholic and when I tried to get a priest to come to the funeral home so we could have a little prayer said I got ignored as they were to busy. Now, if I want to pay them $100 they will say a funeral Mass and if I want the organist she wants a $100 too and then the cantor wants $80. Now, my Mom was a devout Cathlic and I feel so badly that she has had none of that but her cremains remain here in a box waiting to be sent to OH for her internment with my Dad. I have the mone to do that thanks to contributions from many. Oh yes, that is a thousand dollars too for them to dig a hole in the same place where my Dad is and to put her in the ground!
Anniversaries!! If we are alive, we will celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary and I wonder who would want to join us in that celebration. Nearly everyone we have met since we moved to FL is dead or has moved away. So it is us and our kids. I am very sad as I wanted a nice little celebration like other folks have but guess I am not other folks. I have no clue how they managed to have the money to do it all with either. Those things cost money too and a lot of time an effort goes into the planning. If we went back to OH, I am sure I could make arrangements and we could renew our vows ery inexpensively at the Church we were married in and it still exists. So many have been closed as the Catholic Church paid off the people who were molested by the immoral priests. Bitter is the pill I swallow when I think of all this silly stuff.
My Mom would have wanted me to have a huge party and if she were alive she would have been there sitting in a chair observing all the festivities but she is not going to be there anymore than I am going to have any festivities.
I did call one Catholic Church and they need a years advance notice with a down payment to hold the date for us to renew our vows. I said who knows if they are going to be alive next year??
No comments:
Post a Comment