Ya know I can't believe it. My little brother should have been having a 61st brthday last August 29th. I know cause I remember when he was born. What happened to him is just so hard to think about. yet. it happened,
He was a wonderful young baby, child and even early teen. Then, he drifted as all kids do to his own friends. I had to accept that and still love him as an older sister should. I did! I even made him my daughter's God -Father. He was so proud and I was proud of him knowing that the bond between them would last forever or so I thought.
Then, he announced to our Mom and Dad he was enlisting in the Army with his buddy. They were proud of him not wanting to run away from his duty but wanting to enlist as our Dad and his 3 brothers had. Many were leaving the states for Canada or wherever they could to resist the Viet Nam war. I hated every single one of them. That is a truth as I am afraid I judged those draft dodgers very badly. Only God should judge anybody and I do know that but the human being in me, still made the error.
He want to Nam and there were times when my folks did not hear from him at all. He was in the front lines and worry does not even begin to say how we all felt. Candles were lit and prayers were said and hope was our anthem. On Jyly 4th, 1970, he returned from Nam. We had a big cook-out at my house and invited my older brother's family too but they could not make it. So it was us and our 2 kids and Mom and Daddy and the guest of honor. He was so unearthly quiet and seemed to be a nervous wreck. I got absolutely no info on what had happened to him in Nam and figured that he just did not want to bring up a bad subject in front of 2 little kids. Knowing him as I thought I did, well, I prayed he would eventually open up to me. He never did.
He did talk to our folks and told them most of it and they repeated it gradually to me. He had been in a fire fight in Nam and it was but oen of many and was in a fox-hole with his buddy and a live grenade was thrown in with them and his buddy threw himself on my brother and died and saved my brother's life. He lost many friends, but he made it home alive.
We knew nothing about PTSD back in those days. He was drinking a lot but well we figured it was age related and he would outgrown that and he never did.
I begged him not to drink and drive and to stop his chain smoking and he just laughed at his well-meaning bossy older sister. God how I wish I had not given up on him but I did. Yes, I did. Dealing with him when he wasn't drinking was bad but when he was on the sauce he was so ill-tempered and unpredictable that I simply could not handle that much hatred. He felt his buddy should not have died and the worst thing was our father died exactly 1 month after he came home from Nam.
daddy had a heart attack on Sunday and was dead on Tuesday morning. On that Sunday evening I wracked my brain trying to figure out where he was. Knew he was probably drinking at some of the young folks places and remembered hearing him mention one particular place and so I called them and said I was his sister and if he was there to tell him to get to the local hospital ASAP. told them that if he was to drunk to put him in a cab and get him there. The next thing I knew a very inebriated brother showed up at the hospital and of course Mom was all hollering at him for it too. Not the time to do that. I could see fear like none I had ever seen in my life written all over his face and also guilt and sheer ignorance for what to do.
2 mornings later he called me and said the words that none of us expected to hear, Daddy has taken a turn for the worse and the hospital said we had better get there. We lived the closest but I had to get a sitter to come and stay with my kids who were still sleeping and my husband and I drove like idiots to the hospital as though we could stop the terrible thing from happening but simply getting there. Take my words to heart, you can't stop God!
I could have gone in to be with my dead Father, but, I chose to wait for my Mom and give her that as it was her right to be with Daddy first. I saw the lights to his room were off and the blinds were closed and knew without a doubt that he was gone. When she arrived with my baby brother, he who stood taller than she looked over her head at me and shook his head and I just sighed yes. We waited for only about 5 seconds and my other brother and his wife pulled in. We all walked down the hall together and my Mom rang the bell and turned and said Sharon, please come in with me. I want you first. Lord, I did nto want to go in there at all. I did nto want to see my robust father no longer breathing but I knew I had to do as I was asked so I went in with her. The silence of that room was the worst I have ever experinced so far. No machines and no movement. They came in and asked me if I was willing to take some medication and believe me I would have taken anything to just go back home and have this all a bad dream. But the medication did not stop the pain but made me more secure. I had to be in charge of my emotions for my Mom's sake. Then, Mom told me to have my husband come in and I did as I was told and he hugged both of us and cried with us and told us how sorry he was. We all were crying so openly. I had to remember we were in the ICU unit of the cardiac section and we had to not upset anyone else. Then, Mom walked to the door and had the baby come in and he was so white he was nearly ashen. He later told me that his Daddy should not have been dead and why did God save him and take our Daddy. Why did he take Mom's husband? Why, Why? why! we all had the same question and then my oldest brother went in with his wife and Mom and the other 3 of us just stood there and took turns holding each other and crying into each other's shoulders and arms. We had to make immediate decisions like which funeral home to call and which priest to call and so on and on.
My Mom hair turned perfectly white all around her face and she wrinkled up like a prune. It was the worst I had ever seen her. She had the Baby with her so I knew he would look out for her or so I thought anyway. Though that this tragedy would straighten his butt out. I had to call my sitter and tell her that Daddy had passed away and that we were going to be going with Mom and so on. she cried too. After all, in those days your neighbors were your sitters and helpers and cared about you and you cared about them and theirs too.
My brother lived with my Mom when he felt like it but was gone so much that she worried that much more about him. He was arrested more than once for DUI. Acouple of times he had pulled into a parking lot to sleep in off and had been arrested for simply being behind the wheel even though he was not driving and as my husband got the call to tow the car the cops le thim take the brat home and give him heck.
My husband said man, what in the heck is wrong with you? We are all trying so hard to help your Mom and she needs every single one of us and that includes you the most as you still live there. so he promised to do better after a tongue lashing from every one of us. For awhile, he really seemed to try and was almost his old self. I had no idea that he was also smoking reefer. what a dummy I was. He just traded one addiction for another and then there were the free love giving girls. He had a ready line up of them and the next thing you know Mom said he was going to have to get married and I said to which one!!
Well, they got married and I kenw very little about the family except it was very large and he was very happy with them. Most were close to his age and certainly that was a big draw as he was 9 years younger than me and 8 years younger than our brother. so he really missed having the companionship of a sibling near his own age. he readily said that to me too. They all drank a lot and partied a lot and from what I know now they smoked that weed a lot too. Guess it was just their generation. I can nto judge them as if I got judged by how many times I have lost my temper and swore or whatever, well, I am probably headed straight to hell.
they had a little boy first and he was so cute and naturally I fell in love and was so happy to see him whenever I got the chance too. Mom watched him a lot and loved him so much and now he is a grown man and he was raised sort of thinking that his only family that cared about him was his Mom's and the rest of us were snobs or such. Never knew why my brother allowed that but it happened. I begged him to come and visit and he would promise they were coming and like all housewives in those days I made snacks and stuff kids would like and cleaned my house like the Pope was coming and they would not show up. No phone call no nothing. I began to hate that other family. I had time for my older brother and his family and they came over once in awhile and he would at least call. But the younger one, simply would nto answer his phone.
The worst year, was the year, they both, husband and wife excepted an invite for Thanksgiving dinner at my house. Mom came and helped and we had the nicest set up as I could afford and more food than we should have too. My oldest brohter called and his wife and kids all had a stomach flu and I said well, if you want to come by I can make you up containers to take home and when they are better you can let them eat it. You can always freeze it until they are better. he was so gracious and came and thanked me and left and said where is that rascal and I said well you know he will be late but don't worry he promised he would come and so did she so they will be here. I said, I am so happy. Momma was happy too. But an hour later we lit the candles and ate alone my husband, 3 children and my Mom. Angry, you bet and it took every single bit of self control I had not to go to her Mother's house and pull every hair out of her head and his and then whip the rest of her dam family. God how I hated those people. 3 days later I finally got him to answer the phone and asked where he was and he told me he had chosen to go to his wife's family dinner instead. I said and you could not call and he said well what was the point in doing that!! I told him to go to hell and did not speak to him for about a year. Mom was so upset and I told her to never mention him to me again.
I gave up on him then and never ever trusted him again. He liked to lie and that was just something we had been raised not to do and why he chose to do it I will never know.
I know when I heard he was dying last year, I was devasted. That could not be possible. so, after days of trying to figure out the right thing to do we took our dogs to the vets and drove 1273 miles one way to see him in the Cleveland Clinic. We were given his room number and directions of how to find the room and when we got in the roon there were 2 very old looking men in the beds and neither oen of them resembled my baby brother. I simply could not believe I had come to the wrong place. both looked so yellow and sick and I said to my husband why he is heavier than either of these 2 men and my husband said wait a minute and he got right up next to the bed by the door and looked really hard at that man lying there and he called his name pretty loud and the man opened his blue eyes and we both knew that we were in the right place and it was to late.
Do I blame myself for giving up on him? Yep, I do, If I had tried harder maybe, just maybe, he might be alive today. but he drank himself to the grave. His wives family all liked to drink together and seem to be able to handle it but my brother could not. What a loss to see someone you love so much lying in a room alone. Everyone of his family had gone home. I was sort of grateful for that in a way to have him for a few minutes or whatever for ourselves. It was time I needed. He was so very near death. I knew it and he kept pulling at his oxygen tube trying to remove it and I said do you want to get well and get out of here and his very strong answer was Hell Yes!. so, I immediately started praying extra hard. I doubted the outcome would have been any different but God's wishes but never-the-less, my baby brother wanted to live and that was enough for me. He was strong enough to let me hold him like I used to when he was a baby and little boy and laid his head on my shoulder and let me rock him and I sang Mother's favorite lullabye to him, tooraluralura and he said Mom used to sing that and I said yes she did and he said but you sing it better and I thanked him and he said no thank you for singing it to me. I siad I love you so much and he said I love you too. He kissed me and held my hand for awhile but started to fret a lot and I could tell his end was coming no matter how many Our Father were said. I prayed he would not suffer any longer but would simply die in his sleep. He lingered thru Mother's Day and when we left the hospital that day< I had some little hope. Very little but never the less a little. He had been off the venitlator for several days and his vitals were weak but holding there own. As anyone knows someone who has been on a ventilator and has had pneumonia and liver failure and so many other bad complications his chances were very slim. His youngest boy asked me if I htought his Daddy was going to make it and I looked into his beautiful eyes and said son do you want me to look into your sweet honest eyes and tell you the truth of my thoughts or do you want me to siimply say I do not know. He said, the truth only, and I looked deeply into that young man's heart and told him that I was not God and I felt his Dad was not going to make it and that he had roughly a snowball's prayer of making it too. That night, he took a turn for the worse and they put him back on the ventilator again which now make the 3rd time. The last time I was to see him on this earth was in ICU with the ventilator and I knew there was no more hope. I was devastated. His family and his wife were so crushed. Yet, I had him first and when I had to leave on Tuesday to make the long drive back to FL, I knew that I would never see him alive again. but, God had another plan and he rallied enough to get out of ICU by Friday and he was even talking a little. I was home by then and hearing bits and pieces as his wife got a chance to text me. We had also made our peace with each other and I truly began to love the woman he would soon leave and felt so much heartache for her too.
I had to be the one to tell our Mom when God decided to take him away forever. that was so hard to do. I had a tough decision as she was going to ask me if I heard from them as she always did and I knew I could not keep it together when I answered her so I called a priest and he met us at the ALF where Mom was residing and we told her the awful news. I wanted so badly to go back for his funeral, but finances were simply impossilbe. We had just spent over $2000 and a thousand of that was on dogggie boarding service and gasoline. I got rates from different airlines and none had a direct flight that I could afford out of Fort Myers or Sarasota. Some flew to Miami and then northward or to Texas and then Northward. Made no sense and the prices for the long lay overs between flights was awful. The cheapest price was $979 and the most expensive was over $1400. I was not able to go. It nearly killed me and then I had to worry more about Mom as her mental state had really deteriorate in the last couple of years. Sure enough, on the 22nd of the next month, she went to the Er and could walk that day and the next and was never able to stand again and would linger on for nearly 4 months and now she is gone too. Now she was 97 so she lead a really long life.
He should not be dead, he should still be around to call me for my birthday and I his and to drive me nuts with his banter.
I have now lost my Dad when he was only 56, my oldest brother at 63 and my Mom at 97 and my little brother at 60. What is wrong with this picture. well, every dam thing that is what. Maybe, if I had not given up on him all those years ago he might not ever had gotten liver problems. than, maybe, I could not have done anymore than I did either. I know I feel so bad for his wife and kids as he was a very gregarious person and they must miss him way more than me. I miss my little brother, the one I had before Viet Nam and they miss the Dad and husband and grand-father that they knew after that. so, I guess they got the best of his years or did I? I will never know that answer, Love him, loved him and will miss all of them the rest of my days. I am so far away from them in miledge and want so much for them to understand that they did not just lose the person they loved but I lost the first baby whose diapers I ever changed, who I ever gave a bottle too, who I ever palyed hide and seek with. I lost a part of me this May and will never get it back and then to lost my Mom less than 4 months late was just way to much and I do not know when or if I will ever get over it. I try to hide my feelings and go on but it is so very hard. They are having their own problems dealing but me, well, I have my kids who never got to know him very much as he went towards the other family and my kids miss my Mom and are having a hard time dealing with her loss. They have not even begun to realize how bad I really feel. A person can be this important to you and when you know you will never ever hear their voice again except in your dreams well, it becomes a really hard time to go to sleep. Losing them so close to each other is just to awful.
Wherever you are in Heaven little brother I feel you watching me and telling me to straighten out and go on living that you are finally alright. I know you are. Mother is with you and you guys had a wonderful birthday party for her on Thanksgiving day.God Bless you and hope you can talk God into forgiving me my hateful ways and arrogance.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Anger at the Man!
Well which man I do not knwo whom to directg it at. but never-the-less I am angry with one of them.
My grand-son was born with Downs Syndrome and who kne wthat when he turned 18 he would have to go before a judge and a panel of doctors to be evaluated so his parents could get guardianship over him. Exactly what all that means has yet to sink in. They have never beena ble to get a dime for his care and always had him covered under insurance but at age 18 he is considered an adult. How or why?
He is speech impaired and will never drive and I doubt he can ever hold a job. He will never marry and his life prospects are pretty dam slim. so sad as I never thought it would turn out this way nor did they. I thought he would continue to grow in school an at least be able to do a bag boy's job at Publix but since he can not talk that will be denied as an option for him.
goodness he did not ask to be born and at 26 his Mom sure had no reason to thin he would have Downs. But sure enough, the day after he was born while she was visiting him in the ICU section of the hospital, his new pediatrician said, well, I see we have a little Downsie kid here. The little baby boy was only about 24 hours old and no one had yet told him parents he had Downs. What a thing to find out and what a way to find it out. He had jaundice and respiratory problems and that was all they knew. He was going to possibly be tranferred to All children's Hospital in St. Petersberg, Fl if he did not stabilize and that is what happened just a day or two later. We were all nearly insane with the Downs news let alone whether or not this first grand-child that we had so longed for might not make it at all. Well. God had another plan for this kid and he did eventually get better but so much more was required.
special formula, special bottles and nipples and therpies of nearly every variety 3 or 4 times a week. No real rest but worry and hope and pray. I saw his parents growing older daily only they never knew I was watching that closely.
I am his grand-mother and there had never been a Downs Child born in my family. This was my first experience with such a small baby too and I was so afraid of him. I did not want to nurt him ever. I vowed then and I do now to do everything that I can humanly possibly do to make his life more outstanding.
So who is this Man that I am angry with, why I do not know who to point the finger at.! I simply do nto knwo who made it a rule that his parents now have to file paper-work to be made his legal guardians and pay 3 to 4 thousand dollars more than the money they have spent all these years to keep him going. He has had hearing problems and had tubes in his ears. We live in a section of Fl where we do not have the proper specialists to take care of children so his parents had to take him to doctors in sarasota and Fort Myers and he has been hospitalized I believe 2 or 3 times with pneumonia. Very serious the last time and he was in All Children's in ICU for so long. We just took the time and went to be with them to offer moral support or even have them holler at us if they needed too even if it hurt cause they simply needed to vent on someone and even if that was us well then let them have at it. I can give as good as I get!
this is a human being we are talking about here not a piece of cattle or land. Why do his parents have to file papers to claim guardianship over him so he can get health care? so, he can still attend school? What is wrong with this picture? Angry, you bet and with whom I do not know. I just know it has to be a man who made these stupid laws, no woman would ever ever in her life judge a human like that. From what his parents are undestanding they will be solely responsible like they always have only he is and adult and the laws change then. Why? He is so child-like and loving and will tell you how much he loves you and show you too. What is worng with this picture.
I am sorry to say this but I am ashamed to be a white American tonight. When I see all the wet-backs who come into this country and get a free ride and here my own grandkid is going to be treated like a criminal more or less and so or his parents.
They are both so nerovus about all this. My husband and I are nto getting any younger and neither of us financially solvent either let alone healthy enough to ask to be his guardians too. What a quagmire and it is only beginning but I am sure as quick at they pay out the money or most of it the things will fly right through. I never knew that this is the way things were done for handicapped kids in this great land of ours and everyday someone is sending money to Africa or Haiti or wherever and not they they don't need it but how about taking care of our own??
Ok, maybe, that is what I am really angry about!! I am sick and tired of reading how a group of local doctors keep running all over the world to help the less fortunate children of those coutnries when there are children like my grand-son right here and many worse who need help and can't get it because of ignorance of their parents or lack of instruction by our local authorities. What is and where is the man to direct all this??
Why he surely isn't in congress or the White House as they are far to busy for this. They will gladly tell you how badly they feel about a situation but if it is global and it doens' touch their own children then well, it is not a biggie!! wrong you are all you MEN. I am one jus tone old grandma who has had enough. give my grand-kid a better education. he was learning slowly and then they crammed him thru middle school and he seemed lost and then they crammed into high school and sure he was in the speical needs classes but he seemed to stop learning. Now, I will admit that I do not know that much about Downs children but maybe, this was normal for him and a lot of them but I can see he still has the ability to learn and I can see his frustration and I see him pulling his hair out and I knwo that is a form of self multilazation and I want to scream DO SOMETHING> His Mom kept trying with his former pediatrician and that was a loss so she changed doctor's and the child got put on some mood altering drug which has helped a lot but how long can he be on that and when will that need to be adjusted and who will decide when that is necessary????????
To many more men involved and another child gets lost in the battle. I love this young man who is 17 and pray that someone out there reads this and speaks back to me about what is necessary to be done. there is someone out there with the knowledge of where to go from here and please let me hear from you do not remain invisible like the Man!
My grand-son was born with Downs Syndrome and who kne wthat when he turned 18 he would have to go before a judge and a panel of doctors to be evaluated so his parents could get guardianship over him. Exactly what all that means has yet to sink in. They have never beena ble to get a dime for his care and always had him covered under insurance but at age 18 he is considered an adult. How or why?
He is speech impaired and will never drive and I doubt he can ever hold a job. He will never marry and his life prospects are pretty dam slim. so sad as I never thought it would turn out this way nor did they. I thought he would continue to grow in school an at least be able to do a bag boy's job at Publix but since he can not talk that will be denied as an option for him.
goodness he did not ask to be born and at 26 his Mom sure had no reason to thin he would have Downs. But sure enough, the day after he was born while she was visiting him in the ICU section of the hospital, his new pediatrician said, well, I see we have a little Downsie kid here. The little baby boy was only about 24 hours old and no one had yet told him parents he had Downs. What a thing to find out and what a way to find it out. He had jaundice and respiratory problems and that was all they knew. He was going to possibly be tranferred to All children's Hospital in St. Petersberg, Fl if he did not stabilize and that is what happened just a day or two later. We were all nearly insane with the Downs news let alone whether or not this first grand-child that we had so longed for might not make it at all. Well. God had another plan for this kid and he did eventually get better but so much more was required.
special formula, special bottles and nipples and therpies of nearly every variety 3 or 4 times a week. No real rest but worry and hope and pray. I saw his parents growing older daily only they never knew I was watching that closely.
I am his grand-mother and there had never been a Downs Child born in my family. This was my first experience with such a small baby too and I was so afraid of him. I did not want to nurt him ever. I vowed then and I do now to do everything that I can humanly possibly do to make his life more outstanding.
So who is this Man that I am angry with, why I do not know who to point the finger at.! I simply do nto knwo who made it a rule that his parents now have to file paper-work to be made his legal guardians and pay 3 to 4 thousand dollars more than the money they have spent all these years to keep him going. He has had hearing problems and had tubes in his ears. We live in a section of Fl where we do not have the proper specialists to take care of children so his parents had to take him to doctors in sarasota and Fort Myers and he has been hospitalized I believe 2 or 3 times with pneumonia. Very serious the last time and he was in All Children's in ICU for so long. We just took the time and went to be with them to offer moral support or even have them holler at us if they needed too even if it hurt cause they simply needed to vent on someone and even if that was us well then let them have at it. I can give as good as I get!
this is a human being we are talking about here not a piece of cattle or land. Why do his parents have to file papers to claim guardianship over him so he can get health care? so, he can still attend school? What is wrong with this picture? Angry, you bet and with whom I do not know. I just know it has to be a man who made these stupid laws, no woman would ever ever in her life judge a human like that. From what his parents are undestanding they will be solely responsible like they always have only he is and adult and the laws change then. Why? He is so child-like and loving and will tell you how much he loves you and show you too. What is worng with this picture.
I am sorry to say this but I am ashamed to be a white American tonight. When I see all the wet-backs who come into this country and get a free ride and here my own grandkid is going to be treated like a criminal more or less and so or his parents.
They are both so nerovus about all this. My husband and I are nto getting any younger and neither of us financially solvent either let alone healthy enough to ask to be his guardians too. What a quagmire and it is only beginning but I am sure as quick at they pay out the money or most of it the things will fly right through. I never knew that this is the way things were done for handicapped kids in this great land of ours and everyday someone is sending money to Africa or Haiti or wherever and not they they don't need it but how about taking care of our own??
Ok, maybe, that is what I am really angry about!! I am sick and tired of reading how a group of local doctors keep running all over the world to help the less fortunate children of those coutnries when there are children like my grand-son right here and many worse who need help and can't get it because of ignorance of their parents or lack of instruction by our local authorities. What is and where is the man to direct all this??
Why he surely isn't in congress or the White House as they are far to busy for this. They will gladly tell you how badly they feel about a situation but if it is global and it doens' touch their own children then well, it is not a biggie!! wrong you are all you MEN. I am one jus tone old grandma who has had enough. give my grand-kid a better education. he was learning slowly and then they crammed him thru middle school and he seemed lost and then they crammed into high school and sure he was in the speical needs classes but he seemed to stop learning. Now, I will admit that I do not know that much about Downs children but maybe, this was normal for him and a lot of them but I can see he still has the ability to learn and I can see his frustration and I see him pulling his hair out and I knwo that is a form of self multilazation and I want to scream DO SOMETHING> His Mom kept trying with his former pediatrician and that was a loss so she changed doctor's and the child got put on some mood altering drug which has helped a lot but how long can he be on that and when will that need to be adjusted and who will decide when that is necessary????????
To many more men involved and another child gets lost in the battle. I love this young man who is 17 and pray that someone out there reads this and speaks back to me about what is necessary to be done. there is someone out there with the knowledge of where to go from here and please let me hear from you do not remain invisible like the Man!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Steroids, to do or not.
Well I am now on the downside of a week of high-side of steroids and gosh while it helps me they sure as heck make me crazier than ever. One minute I am freezing to death and the next I am burning up and my face is starting to swell. Fingers and legs already have. Now, I truly look like the Pillsbury Dough Boys Wife. Disgusting as heck! do not like to get sick but it is the deck of cards that I have so got to play them out. The roids in the form of prednisone and the inhaled ones all make me feel so darned stupid. Albuterol must have been designed by Frankenstein! I inhale it and it clears up my lungs and I shake and quake for an hour after it. At first I thought oh heck I was imagining it but my husband could actually see me shaking after I used it. I thought well at lest I am not imagining it! At my age, Ancient, well anything is possible. There is a drug called Zoponex which does the same thing by clearing out your lungs but it does not cause the shakes and my insurance doe snto want to pay for it so I am doomed to albuterol. I pray for a miracle and I will not have anymore bad breathing attacks but with asthma and mild COPD well it inevitable.
I do not want to go with my husband to his Diabetic doc appt. as that guy will have some remark to make again about me loosing weight. Well I said I hear you have an excellent program going here but you do not accept medicare and he said very sweetly on we do accept most insurances now. Ha ha on him. I checked with the lady who runs the program and they do not except insurance as most insurance won't pay for it. Now, if it is doctor recommended and needed to keep your prescription bills less then why won't the insurance companies pay for it??? Hmmm, another conumdrum of sorts for my old brain to wrap around.
I am definitely overweight and have tried over the counter stuff, hypnosis and also paid weight loss programs and some worked for awhile but the minute my stress level rose so did the weight. I realized tonight jsut how bad it was and am so ashamed at my failure to control my hand to mouth motion. Well, at least I do not smoke as I would definitely be dead or dying.
I think this all began way back when I was only 16 and got something that they were calling the Asiatic flu and our doctor even came to the house, yep, in the big city of Memphis, they did that back in the 50's. I was so sick and had such a high fever and all my Mom's efforts to get it down just didn't work and believe me, she tired the vinegar baths and the babking soda and vinegar baths and the alcohol baths and nothing and I mean nothing worked. I have a picture taken with my high school sweetheart shortly afterwards and I really looked washed out and so unhappy. Nothing he did wrong I was still to sick to be out but I needed to go to that dance with him and loved every minute but felt so awfull too. Thru the years I have had several bouts of similar problems and of course Pneumonia that put me in the hospital which I really hated. 6 days of R and R. That is Room and Ready and they were definitely ready to give me a room and keep me awake 24/7. I never heard such a noisy place and I rmember the days when they literally creeped around in hospitals and quite was the protocol. what happened to those days of respect for the patients??
I have been told I have some weird eye condition suffered by people who were exposed to the air pollution of the Midwest. Now, I did live in Memphis, south Memphis to be exact and real near Delta Refinery. we suffered from black soot on the window sills and if you opened your windows and in Memphis without AC and no only the rich had Ac back in the 50's and you opened your windows and prayed for a breeze which was pretty much non-existant and you turned on the attic fan which simply drew in more black soot.
I had a doctor several years ago in Ohio who used to give us this shot when we got this stuff and I think it was called Gominal and I am not sure of the spelling and it worked, sometimes you would need to have a couple of them a few days apart but you got well and while they hurt like heck, you prayed he would always have it on hand and the day he said it was nto being made anymore you thought life was over. Sort of wondered why and if it was so bad, then why on Earth had it been allowed in the first place!!
Just like Darvocet! What a wonderful pain killer and I took it sparingly for over 35 years and my Mom for over 50 and it helped with our arthritic pains and my fibromyalgia pain. some person had a reaction to it and they started to really investigate it and found it caused heart problems. Tell that to my 97 year old Mom who could not get them to give her anything strong enough for her pain until the night before she died. Her hear thad been great up until that point and her pain had been managed but they were not allowed to give her the one medication that she had relied on as the federal government had removed it form the shelves forever.
I need something stronger to take too and may have to start going to one of thos epain mangement places as my Fibro pain is simply out of this world and I knwo I am not alone as there are millions of us suffering as because we still have 2 legsor 2 arms and a body that looks like it is either over-fed or under-fed, then we look like everyone else and I have my own son tell me that I am not really in need of that handicapped tag. I think young man I would nto wish this off on anyone so I do not with that you would ever know my pain and walk in my shoes. That old adage about not critizing your neighbor until you have walked in their mocassins is really true when it comes to arthritis and Fibro. One simply can never expect to wake up feeling super. Those days are gone forever!! I do wake up and before I get out of my bed I Thank God for allowing me to just breathe and to have all the comforts He Has provided.
As I travel around I see folks pushing shopping carts with their possessions in them and drunks fighting at corners over whatever. I see them standing with a sign that says Viet Nam Vet and hungry and so on and on and I wonder if they ever saw the real end of a rifle!! I have given them moeny when they said money for beer. That was more the truth and it was hot and summer and I though hell if that poor person can find some relief from the life they have let themselves live then who am I to judge!!
When I get under the influence of the Prednisone pills I often think so here it comes again the license to be crazy. I can not take a couple of drugs because I am allergic to them so I have to remember that the Prednisone while it does it's wonders on me is actually really doing a wonder on me and I shoudl Thank God for it. When the doctor mentions the word I want to go running out of her office going no way, surely there is a better way. But not so much that I have found for me. I have tried other doctors too and it always winds up the same way. This time I am on my second antibiotic and that alone has me with an upset tummy. Why does the cure come at such a price. It isn't like I was an ax murderer or anything, so why on earth and how on earth did I get this junk. Well, there was this thing around Florida called Red Tide.
Red Tide kills Fish, and it is air borne and it even kills giant Manatees. Now, if they are drifitng into channels dead and the necropsies all say caused by red tide then who am I a simply human being to quibble with what caused so many in our county and the surrounding areas to be ill!!
It is also Oak pollen seaon and everthing turns yellow as the trees start to bud and we call it yellow pollen seaon and it depends on the winds and lack of rain how bad it will get. usually we have lot and if you go otu and look in the pool the water will get yellow and NO it is not a bad algae but yellow pollen. it gets in your clothes and your hair and the dogs go outside and bring it back in. Never ending and then that cycle ends and another begins. I actually have been so sick that I forgot that is was nealry the time for it until a young friend reminded me to be extra careful as it was getting to be that season. Usually, I wear a mask and get along ok but I am already under the weather so guess I will suffer a lot longer.
I was exposed to second-hand smoke from both my parents and all their friends and most of my Aunts and Uncles. Most were 3 pack a day folks. I did try cigarettes cause everybody else did but I never got over the coughing with them. Needless to say when others told me about that whacky backy that made them high I thought they were crazy so in my early 30's I tried in for about 3 times and only twice did I feel sort of high and that was because I was also drinking booze with it. I never got addicted to any of that stuff. I was always afraid of being caught and going to jail and getting a bad reputation. I needed to have some control and did. why can't I find it now with this food cravings?Will self-control ever come back. I have read that I have tried to always take care of others and have done the absolute best that I could and now, I have to find ME>
Goodness, 70 years old and searching for myself!! Anybody out there know where I am and who I am. Moved to Fl and thought we would see more of our friends than we have cause many of them promised ot visit but as the years grew longer so did the promises of visits fissal. I really wanted to see more of them so we made the drive back and forth to Ohio to see everyone. I want ot move back before we all die but my hubby will never do that. It is just a waste of dreamtime.
Sort of like waiting for the lottery numbers to be posted in the Heavens and I am the only one to see them. You would think I could catch a break now at the end of my life wouldn't you? But I am not different than anyone else and only a mere human being and why I would think or even remotely dream of God Giving me those numbers. What is the world is wrong with me? why nothing at all, I am just a person with needs like eeveryone else and wants and still a few day dreams to imagine them into reality. Dreaming is free and pretty easy to do. I can imagine myself skinny and who knows if I conjure up that dream enough well it could just happen too. At least it could happen a lot easier if I practice self-control over my eating habits and force myself away from this computer chair as quickl as I can to start a real exercise program. So tomorrow is the beginning of a new day and a new improved me. Shake, rattle, and rolling with prednisone and I will get the stuff out of me with loads of water. But like everything else it takes time to get well and time to lose this weight. It was not put on overnight so it will not come off that way either.
Have to walk in the Mall to get in AC walking and that is free to do and monitored by good mal security and the Sheriff's department also has an office there and the mall is heavily protolled.
I do not want to go with my husband to his Diabetic doc appt. as that guy will have some remark to make again about me loosing weight. Well I said I hear you have an excellent program going here but you do not accept medicare and he said very sweetly on we do accept most insurances now. Ha ha on him. I checked with the lady who runs the program and they do not except insurance as most insurance won't pay for it. Now, if it is doctor recommended and needed to keep your prescription bills less then why won't the insurance companies pay for it??? Hmmm, another conumdrum of sorts for my old brain to wrap around.
I am definitely overweight and have tried over the counter stuff, hypnosis and also paid weight loss programs and some worked for awhile but the minute my stress level rose so did the weight. I realized tonight jsut how bad it was and am so ashamed at my failure to control my hand to mouth motion. Well, at least I do not smoke as I would definitely be dead or dying.
I think this all began way back when I was only 16 and got something that they were calling the Asiatic flu and our doctor even came to the house, yep, in the big city of Memphis, they did that back in the 50's. I was so sick and had such a high fever and all my Mom's efforts to get it down just didn't work and believe me, she tired the vinegar baths and the babking soda and vinegar baths and the alcohol baths and nothing and I mean nothing worked. I have a picture taken with my high school sweetheart shortly afterwards and I really looked washed out and so unhappy. Nothing he did wrong I was still to sick to be out but I needed to go to that dance with him and loved every minute but felt so awfull too. Thru the years I have had several bouts of similar problems and of course Pneumonia that put me in the hospital which I really hated. 6 days of R and R. That is Room and Ready and they were definitely ready to give me a room and keep me awake 24/7. I never heard such a noisy place and I rmember the days when they literally creeped around in hospitals and quite was the protocol. what happened to those days of respect for the patients??
I have been told I have some weird eye condition suffered by people who were exposed to the air pollution of the Midwest. Now, I did live in Memphis, south Memphis to be exact and real near Delta Refinery. we suffered from black soot on the window sills and if you opened your windows and in Memphis without AC and no only the rich had Ac back in the 50's and you opened your windows and prayed for a breeze which was pretty much non-existant and you turned on the attic fan which simply drew in more black soot.
I had a doctor several years ago in Ohio who used to give us this shot when we got this stuff and I think it was called Gominal and I am not sure of the spelling and it worked, sometimes you would need to have a couple of them a few days apart but you got well and while they hurt like heck, you prayed he would always have it on hand and the day he said it was nto being made anymore you thought life was over. Sort of wondered why and if it was so bad, then why on Earth had it been allowed in the first place!!
Just like Darvocet! What a wonderful pain killer and I took it sparingly for over 35 years and my Mom for over 50 and it helped with our arthritic pains and my fibromyalgia pain. some person had a reaction to it and they started to really investigate it and found it caused heart problems. Tell that to my 97 year old Mom who could not get them to give her anything strong enough for her pain until the night before she died. Her hear thad been great up until that point and her pain had been managed but they were not allowed to give her the one medication that she had relied on as the federal government had removed it form the shelves forever.
I need something stronger to take too and may have to start going to one of thos epain mangement places as my Fibro pain is simply out of this world and I knwo I am not alone as there are millions of us suffering as because we still have 2 legsor 2 arms and a body that looks like it is either over-fed or under-fed, then we look like everyone else and I have my own son tell me that I am not really in need of that handicapped tag. I think young man I would nto wish this off on anyone so I do not with that you would ever know my pain and walk in my shoes. That old adage about not critizing your neighbor until you have walked in their mocassins is really true when it comes to arthritis and Fibro. One simply can never expect to wake up feeling super. Those days are gone forever!! I do wake up and before I get out of my bed I Thank God for allowing me to just breathe and to have all the comforts He Has provided.
As I travel around I see folks pushing shopping carts with their possessions in them and drunks fighting at corners over whatever. I see them standing with a sign that says Viet Nam Vet and hungry and so on and on and I wonder if they ever saw the real end of a rifle!! I have given them moeny when they said money for beer. That was more the truth and it was hot and summer and I though hell if that poor person can find some relief from the life they have let themselves live then who am I to judge!!
When I get under the influence of the Prednisone pills I often think so here it comes again the license to be crazy. I can not take a couple of drugs because I am allergic to them so I have to remember that the Prednisone while it does it's wonders on me is actually really doing a wonder on me and I shoudl Thank God for it. When the doctor mentions the word I want to go running out of her office going no way, surely there is a better way. But not so much that I have found for me. I have tried other doctors too and it always winds up the same way. This time I am on my second antibiotic and that alone has me with an upset tummy. Why does the cure come at such a price. It isn't like I was an ax murderer or anything, so why on earth and how on earth did I get this junk. Well, there was this thing around Florida called Red Tide.
Red Tide kills Fish, and it is air borne and it even kills giant Manatees. Now, if they are drifitng into channels dead and the necropsies all say caused by red tide then who am I a simply human being to quibble with what caused so many in our county and the surrounding areas to be ill!!
It is also Oak pollen seaon and everthing turns yellow as the trees start to bud and we call it yellow pollen seaon and it depends on the winds and lack of rain how bad it will get. usually we have lot and if you go otu and look in the pool the water will get yellow and NO it is not a bad algae but yellow pollen. it gets in your clothes and your hair and the dogs go outside and bring it back in. Never ending and then that cycle ends and another begins. I actually have been so sick that I forgot that is was nealry the time for it until a young friend reminded me to be extra careful as it was getting to be that season. Usually, I wear a mask and get along ok but I am already under the weather so guess I will suffer a lot longer.
I was exposed to second-hand smoke from both my parents and all their friends and most of my Aunts and Uncles. Most were 3 pack a day folks. I did try cigarettes cause everybody else did but I never got over the coughing with them. Needless to say when others told me about that whacky backy that made them high I thought they were crazy so in my early 30's I tried in for about 3 times and only twice did I feel sort of high and that was because I was also drinking booze with it. I never got addicted to any of that stuff. I was always afraid of being caught and going to jail and getting a bad reputation. I needed to have some control and did. why can't I find it now with this food cravings?Will self-control ever come back. I have read that I have tried to always take care of others and have done the absolute best that I could and now, I have to find ME>
Goodness, 70 years old and searching for myself!! Anybody out there know where I am and who I am. Moved to Fl and thought we would see more of our friends than we have cause many of them promised ot visit but as the years grew longer so did the promises of visits fissal. I really wanted to see more of them so we made the drive back and forth to Ohio to see everyone. I want ot move back before we all die but my hubby will never do that. It is just a waste of dreamtime.
Sort of like waiting for the lottery numbers to be posted in the Heavens and I am the only one to see them. You would think I could catch a break now at the end of my life wouldn't you? But I am not different than anyone else and only a mere human being and why I would think or even remotely dream of God Giving me those numbers. What is the world is wrong with me? why nothing at all, I am just a person with needs like eeveryone else and wants and still a few day dreams to imagine them into reality. Dreaming is free and pretty easy to do. I can imagine myself skinny and who knows if I conjure up that dream enough well it could just happen too. At least it could happen a lot easier if I practice self-control over my eating habits and force myself away from this computer chair as quickl as I can to start a real exercise program. So tomorrow is the beginning of a new day and a new improved me. Shake, rattle, and rolling with prednisone and I will get the stuff out of me with loads of water. But like everything else it takes time to get well and time to lose this weight. It was not put on overnight so it will not come off that way either.
Have to walk in the Mall to get in AC walking and that is free to do and monitored by good mal security and the Sheriff's department also has an office there and the mall is heavily protolled.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Old Woman's Blues
Yep I realized that I am an OLD Woman. Gosh, by some folks I am not but by much younger ones, well, I am OLD!
All my ways of doing things are outdated! Really, since when did white vinegar get thrown out as a cleaner. Well, by the makers of the more caustic new cleaners on the market. They all smell and drive my allergies wild and get my asthma all fired-up. A small dish of apple cider vinegar is the cheapest way to keep bad smells out of your house, just put it in a small microwave safe dish and warm it for about 5 seconds and let it sit on top of your stove and the whole house smells divine. No over-powering perfumes scents like those in the reed diffusers. Please!! It seems that I am out of the loop as I do not own any of those nor do I desire to spend the money on them either.
Can't go to a lot of the private clubs for dinner or entertainment either. Many still allow smoking and it hits you in the face when you walk in the door. How about where the smokers are allowed to stand outside the front door so you can walk through their smoke to get in to eat or make a purchase. Do donut shops all draw cigarette smokers?? Or, do they all go to the donut shops because the cholesterol is also calling their hearts to have the donuts too??
Why does a doc give you a paper and tell you to go and buy the product for your TMJ and it will help your facial and jaw pain and that same MD then says you can find these at any store! Ha! Ha! No pharmacy has them. So you, being still computer savvy, even at your old age, go home and start searching on the internet. Well, when you find the phone number of the people who make the appliance the doc says you must have and they answer their phoneand tell you they that because you are already using a Sleep Apnea Mask, you can not use their appliance and that the doctor should know that and also he should know that it has to be written as a prescription. Now, remember kids, I am an Old Woman and this was and MD and do you think I want to go back to him. Nope, don't trust his medical expertise and here I am an old person who needs doctors more than young people. Got to wonder what else this doc would recommend that is wrong for you and how many other doc's are making the same mistake!!!
As I am OLD, I worry about when my mind finally goes and there is no one to speak for me. Really frightening I can tell you. What are Old people to do, just croak do to medical errors and no one is the wiser? Be warned, it will happen to all of you, OLD age! there is no such thing as getting younger. Maybe, your body starts that by you needing adult diapers. It happens and happens to more adults that want their kids to knwo about it. Eventually the kids discover it on their own but by that time the old folks have been using those things for some time.
All my ways of doing things are outdated! Really, since when did white vinegar get thrown out as a cleaner. Well, by the makers of the more caustic new cleaners on the market. They all smell and drive my allergies wild and get my asthma all fired-up. A small dish of apple cider vinegar is the cheapest way to keep bad smells out of your house, just put it in a small microwave safe dish and warm it for about 5 seconds and let it sit on top of your stove and the whole house smells divine. No over-powering perfumes scents like those in the reed diffusers. Please!! It seems that I am out of the loop as I do not own any of those nor do I desire to spend the money on them either.
Can't go to a lot of the private clubs for dinner or entertainment either. Many still allow smoking and it hits you in the face when you walk in the door. How about where the smokers are allowed to stand outside the front door so you can walk through their smoke to get in to eat or make a purchase. Do donut shops all draw cigarette smokers?? Or, do they all go to the donut shops because the cholesterol is also calling their hearts to have the donuts too??
Why does a doc give you a paper and tell you to go and buy the product for your TMJ and it will help your facial and jaw pain and that same MD then says you can find these at any store! Ha! Ha! No pharmacy has them. So you, being still computer savvy, even at your old age, go home and start searching on the internet. Well, when you find the phone number of the people who make the appliance the doc says you must have and they answer their phoneand tell you they that because you are already using a Sleep Apnea Mask, you can not use their appliance and that the doctor should know that and also he should know that it has to be written as a prescription. Now, remember kids, I am an Old Woman and this was and MD and do you think I want to go back to him. Nope, don't trust his medical expertise and here I am an old person who needs doctors more than young people. Got to wonder what else this doc would recommend that is wrong for you and how many other doc's are making the same mistake!!!
As I am OLD, I worry about when my mind finally goes and there is no one to speak for me. Really frightening I can tell you. What are Old people to do, just croak do to medical errors and no one is the wiser? Be warned, it will happen to all of you, OLD age! there is no such thing as getting younger. Maybe, your body starts that by you needing adult diapers. It happens and happens to more adults that want their kids to knwo about it. Eventually the kids discover it on their own but by that time the old folks have been using those things for some time.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
end of life dementia in charge
Dementia is an awful illness. It takes away your mind little by little and you seem not with it but many times your mind is here but just does not seem to be.
witnessing this first hand with my Mom has been no great happiness. she has been such a vital part of all our lives. At me being nearly 70 and she being 97 that is a lot of yers just for me. she has touched so many of us in oh so many ways.
I chose the nursing home she went to by past recommendations and some first hand knowledge and felt it was the best of all those around our town. There are some excellent staff members but an awful lot of people with big titles and long list of letters after their last name but not enough good first hand workers or seeminly so. My poor Mom. Let's see no water at all on an 8 hour shift except what may have been served or offered for a feeding. She can no longer feed herself. so sad, she can not walk or stand and can not remember to push the nurses button to call them for help either. We have found no water vessel available during and 8 hr shift and water from last nights shift there at 11 am. got told tonight that I was intimidating the day staff. I said I have never been there in the am before and they should be good enough as they are the ones who have to get them ready for the day and get them 2 meals and yet they keep dropping the ball. Now we have seen the 3 to 11 staff on week days and week-ends and they are super. so, my complaint is rightous. clothing not buttoned up and to hear my poor Mom say I dont' want anyone to see my bosom and I can't button these buttons anymore. what to do??
go to bed tonight and try to forget it all and simply not go there for a few days while they try to solve the eating problem where she has now lost 17 more pounds and that has happened on the new wing as when she was on the rehab wing she gained weght. Losing so much weight sure shows a decline in her health and it is so very hard to take when you have to ask yourself if they are really doing all that they can to get her to eat and today I fed her for lunch and she ate like a lumber-jack. could nto get enough food.
god Forgive me I can not be there 24/7 as my own helath is in jeopardy. If I could afford private duty care I would do so. There is no money for that. We asked for and fought to get Hospice involved and I wish she was at the Hospice house so I would never have to see that place every again. We have been to so many CARE Plan Meetings where they make promises that the water will be there and so on and the very next day less than 24 hours later it is still the same. What to do?
This was such a terrible time for the whole family. Husband did not want me to go there alone as he wanted to have to be my strength and some days they both napped together, him in a chair and her in her bed. She slept very often through our whole visit. Then, the next day she would be wide awake and say well, did you forget your old Mother, not showing up yesterday and I would say Mom we were here but you slept for 3 hours and we left just before dinner. She did not believe us so a nurse would come in to check her and would say well you are awake for them today and she would say, they weren't here yesterday and the nurse would say oh they are here everyday and you sleep most of your visits away. It was awful.
The night before she died was simply terrible. She was having such trouble breathing and had signed a do nto resuscitate and had talked with us about her wishes so much. She wanted no breathing or feeding tubes. She said they were painful and if God wanted her she was ready to go. The hospice nurse came in and ordered oxygen for her and it did not help much and then he ordered morphine and would not leave until she had been given an injection.. Mom was really gone then and I do not think she knew we were there at all. Her breathing was so awful and I wanted to cancel that DNR and have her moved to the hospital but felt she would only die in transit or away from where she had gotten used too. Going in an ambulance might have frightened her awake and maybe not but she was so far gone. Tough decision and I decided to go with her wishes. at 97 I knew better than to go against her wishes. Our daughter was beside herself but made me promise I would nto try to sit up in a stiff chair beside her bed. There was no recliner for us visitors there.
I woke up after about only 2 hours sleep at around 6:45 a.m. and got dressed to go to the home and my husband simply said, you can not do a thing but let her go with God. He said they will call you. By 8:45 I could not stand it and so I called and she had just gone to Heaven. I felt so bad that she had died without any of us there but it was God's will. My husband came home from work and we picked up my daughter and drove there. My one son was already there and he made sure his grandmother looked as best at they could get her for me. She usually slept without her teeth in and in truth I half expected her to simply wake up and ask what we were all doing there!! Silly fool, that is what I wanted.
She had prepaid for her cremation and we called the funeral home and they came and then we followed them to the home and made our arrangments. I tried to get hold of my parish but nobody was available to come to the funeral home and so we had to make our plans without the aid of a Pirest. I tell you I was so angry at God at that moment as my Mom was such a devout Catholic and to think of her not having a Priest was beyond tolerable. I had relatives to notify and they all said we are coming and I said you don't have to as she wanted no fancy stuff. No flowers and no nothing. They insisted and all of them came and I was honored that they would come to pay her respect and me too when you think about it. I took clother for them to dress her in and the dressed her and brought her out for me to have my own visit with her. I cried like a damn fool but knew she wanted to be with my Dad and her 2 sons, my brothers> I felt like an orphan than and have ever since.
So I ordered food and made a nice little wake Irish stle at my house after the funeral home visitation for the relatives which included several grand children and great grandchildren. I am sure she was saying No Sharon, Elizabeth, I told you not to do this but I also told her Momma, this one is for you and me too so it is done.
then, trying to get her remains buried in the Catholic Cemetery in Ohio was a nightmare. So much red tape with the EPA having to check my dad's grave site for leakage beore they could put her in the plot. They had to test 3 places by law and the site is also available to my husband and I for our ashes to be placed there too. Then, the red tape to send her there. I wanted a priest there for the itnernment and I had to call all around town before I found one that was availabe. My old parish had 2 other funerals at the same time in the same cemetery and I was making arrangments for family members to be there.I finally got a priest from her old Parish who did not know her or me but he said he would be glad to go there. I also asked my nephew who had driven down with all his family to say a few words as he is a Methodist Minsiter and he said he would be glad too. My friends who went in my place said he did a better job than the priest. Quite a shock. I felt nearly dead not being able to get there but hubby with his bad heart and kidney disease was not up to that drive and the cost of the flight is just awful. I could have flown alone but I just could not handle that and Mom understood I am sure.
I told her when she had an afternoon of total clarity that I had worked out a deal with the Catholic Cemtery and she was going to be with Daddy and she said you did, Thank you Sharon, that is where I want to be. So I honored her last wish and got her buried in Blessed Ground by not only a Priest but her Methodist Minister grand-son. She got a great send-off.
Our friends send me pictures which I treasure so much.
There are laws about Elder Abuse and I could have porbably gotten a law suti against that place but what was the point? I only got higher and higher blood pressure and my husbands went lower and lower. His diabetic doctor and my primary care physicain told me we need to stay away for at leas t2 days mid-week. That was very hard but she was so far along she did not even know we had not been there. What a shame and a Blessing all at once. We had to take that break.
My poor brother had just died at aged 60 on May 23rd in Ohio and Mom passed away on September 21. So 2 deaths in less than 4 months. To say that I was spinning I am putting that mildly. My Mom was 97 and wanted to die but my borther told me flat out he wanted to live and get out of that hospital and yet due to negligence in the first hospital he had been in caused his death. A law-suit is pending.
We had driven 1272 miles each way to see him and he was awake and very weak and I knew from speaking with his doctors and his reading his chart that his chances were slim to none. His one son, said, Aunt Sharon, do you think my Daddy has a chance and I said HOney do you want me to answer you truthfully and he said yes, and I looked into his baby blue eyes so like my brothers and said No honey, I think your Dad is going to Heaven very soon and I am not God but I am pretty sure of this.
On Mother's day we stayed nearly all day at the hospital with him but he wasn't very comfortable and yet he did speak a few words to us. He told me he loved me and always had and hugged me and let me hold him in my arms and I sand an Irish Lullabye to him and cradled him in my arms and he said gosh you sounded good Sharon. Mom used to sing that to us and I said yes and he said you sure sang it better than her. We both laughed and he said keep singing to me Sis. I did and he fell back to sleep. We had to start for hom on Tuesday. He went back into ICU on Mother's Day night and my last memory of my Baby Brother was with him with the dan ventilator and looking more dead than alive. The wonderful surgeons worked hard on him and got him off that ventilator and back in a room and his wife had such hopes. so Sad, cause she was just in denial. She called us and said they want to possibly put in back on the ventilator and I said that would be the 4rh time in less than 2 months, isn't that an awful lot. She said yes, I was right and I said, do what you have the right to do as his wife and whatever you decide to do I will stand behind you. He was so weak and could not eat but by tube and hadn't eaten a bite in over a month. My brother looked like a skeleton with skin stretched over it. The memory is etched in my brain. I called the day he died and spoke with his doctor and told him to whisper my goodbye's to him and tell him that is Tootie and that is what he called me said to tell Daddy and our brother Mike hello and that it was ok to just go to sleep to be with the Angels. Hard, my God that was hard. When the doctor leaned over him and whispered to him my brother stopped his constant movement and the doctor and my sister-in-law and her kids all said Terry just seemed to smile.
Then, the last of my brothers went to God. I got the job of going to my Mom's Assited Living Facility to tell her. We all debated but I knew that she would somehow know something was wrong especially since I had not been with her for Mother's Day. I was able to get one of the Priest to meet us there in case she needed him. It was a very hard day for me and one of so many that would follow. Mom did ok but I watched her and knew she was not herself and was really upset. she went to the hospital herself by ambulance on June 22 and took her last steps on June 23 and was dead on September 21. She was so confused she kept telling everyone she was already 98 and her birthday wasn't until November 24.
Last year as in many years that just happened to be our Thanksiving too. It was hard to go to my son's house without her and pretend like nothing was wrong. Awful dang day. But I made it through it and never let anyone know how bad I felt. I just acted like I was so-called normal. I almost didn't even go but knew I had to do that for my grand-son too. Things had to go on as they will when it is my time to
join them all in Heaven.
Since they have both gone on to their better life, I have seen and heard my husband's cardioligist tell him that he was a candidate for instant death due to his severe aortic stenosis and 90 % narrowing of his aortic valve. Candidate for Instant death and I thought God, Please no more and not him.
witnessing this first hand with my Mom has been no great happiness. she has been such a vital part of all our lives. At me being nearly 70 and she being 97 that is a lot of yers just for me. she has touched so many of us in oh so many ways.
I chose the nursing home she went to by past recommendations and some first hand knowledge and felt it was the best of all those around our town. There are some excellent staff members but an awful lot of people with big titles and long list of letters after their last name but not enough good first hand workers or seeminly so. My poor Mom. Let's see no water at all on an 8 hour shift except what may have been served or offered for a feeding. She can no longer feed herself. so sad, she can not walk or stand and can not remember to push the nurses button to call them for help either. We have found no water vessel available during and 8 hr shift and water from last nights shift there at 11 am. got told tonight that I was intimidating the day staff. I said I have never been there in the am before and they should be good enough as they are the ones who have to get them ready for the day and get them 2 meals and yet they keep dropping the ball. Now we have seen the 3 to 11 staff on week days and week-ends and they are super. so, my complaint is rightous. clothing not buttoned up and to hear my poor Mom say I dont' want anyone to see my bosom and I can't button these buttons anymore. what to do??
go to bed tonight and try to forget it all and simply not go there for a few days while they try to solve the eating problem where she has now lost 17 more pounds and that has happened on the new wing as when she was on the rehab wing she gained weght. Losing so much weight sure shows a decline in her health and it is so very hard to take when you have to ask yourself if they are really doing all that they can to get her to eat and today I fed her for lunch and she ate like a lumber-jack. could nto get enough food.
god Forgive me I can not be there 24/7 as my own helath is in jeopardy. If I could afford private duty care I would do so. There is no money for that. We asked for and fought to get Hospice involved and I wish she was at the Hospice house so I would never have to see that place every again. We have been to so many CARE Plan Meetings where they make promises that the water will be there and so on and the very next day less than 24 hours later it is still the same. What to do?
This was such a terrible time for the whole family. Husband did not want me to go there alone as he wanted to have to be my strength and some days they both napped together, him in a chair and her in her bed. She slept very often through our whole visit. Then, the next day she would be wide awake and say well, did you forget your old Mother, not showing up yesterday and I would say Mom we were here but you slept for 3 hours and we left just before dinner. She did not believe us so a nurse would come in to check her and would say well you are awake for them today and she would say, they weren't here yesterday and the nurse would say oh they are here everyday and you sleep most of your visits away. It was awful.
The night before she died was simply terrible. She was having such trouble breathing and had signed a do nto resuscitate and had talked with us about her wishes so much. She wanted no breathing or feeding tubes. She said they were painful and if God wanted her she was ready to go. The hospice nurse came in and ordered oxygen for her and it did not help much and then he ordered morphine and would not leave until she had been given an injection.. Mom was really gone then and I do not think she knew we were there at all. Her breathing was so awful and I wanted to cancel that DNR and have her moved to the hospital but felt she would only die in transit or away from where she had gotten used too. Going in an ambulance might have frightened her awake and maybe not but she was so far gone. Tough decision and I decided to go with her wishes. at 97 I knew better than to go against her wishes. Our daughter was beside herself but made me promise I would nto try to sit up in a stiff chair beside her bed. There was no recliner for us visitors there.
I woke up after about only 2 hours sleep at around 6:45 a.m. and got dressed to go to the home and my husband simply said, you can not do a thing but let her go with God. He said they will call you. By 8:45 I could not stand it and so I called and she had just gone to Heaven. I felt so bad that she had died without any of us there but it was God's will. My husband came home from work and we picked up my daughter and drove there. My one son was already there and he made sure his grandmother looked as best at they could get her for me. She usually slept without her teeth in and in truth I half expected her to simply wake up and ask what we were all doing there!! Silly fool, that is what I wanted.
She had prepaid for her cremation and we called the funeral home and they came and then we followed them to the home and made our arrangments. I tried to get hold of my parish but nobody was available to come to the funeral home and so we had to make our plans without the aid of a Pirest. I tell you I was so angry at God at that moment as my Mom was such a devout Catholic and to think of her not having a Priest was beyond tolerable. I had relatives to notify and they all said we are coming and I said you don't have to as she wanted no fancy stuff. No flowers and no nothing. They insisted and all of them came and I was honored that they would come to pay her respect and me too when you think about it. I took clother for them to dress her in and the dressed her and brought her out for me to have my own visit with her. I cried like a damn fool but knew she wanted to be with my Dad and her 2 sons, my brothers> I felt like an orphan than and have ever since.
So I ordered food and made a nice little wake Irish stle at my house after the funeral home visitation for the relatives which included several grand children and great grandchildren. I am sure she was saying No Sharon, Elizabeth, I told you not to do this but I also told her Momma, this one is for you and me too so it is done.
then, trying to get her remains buried in the Catholic Cemetery in Ohio was a nightmare. So much red tape with the EPA having to check my dad's grave site for leakage beore they could put her in the plot. They had to test 3 places by law and the site is also available to my husband and I for our ashes to be placed there too. Then, the red tape to send her there. I wanted a priest there for the itnernment and I had to call all around town before I found one that was availabe. My old parish had 2 other funerals at the same time in the same cemetery and I was making arrangments for family members to be there.I finally got a priest from her old Parish who did not know her or me but he said he would be glad to go there. I also asked my nephew who had driven down with all his family to say a few words as he is a Methodist Minsiter and he said he would be glad too. My friends who went in my place said he did a better job than the priest. Quite a shock. I felt nearly dead not being able to get there but hubby with his bad heart and kidney disease was not up to that drive and the cost of the flight is just awful. I could have flown alone but I just could not handle that and Mom understood I am sure.
I told her when she had an afternoon of total clarity that I had worked out a deal with the Catholic Cemtery and she was going to be with Daddy and she said you did, Thank you Sharon, that is where I want to be. So I honored her last wish and got her buried in Blessed Ground by not only a Priest but her Methodist Minister grand-son. She got a great send-off.
Our friends send me pictures which I treasure so much.
There are laws about Elder Abuse and I could have porbably gotten a law suti against that place but what was the point? I only got higher and higher blood pressure and my husbands went lower and lower. His diabetic doctor and my primary care physicain told me we need to stay away for at leas t2 days mid-week. That was very hard but she was so far along she did not even know we had not been there. What a shame and a Blessing all at once. We had to take that break.
My poor brother had just died at aged 60 on May 23rd in Ohio and Mom passed away on September 21. So 2 deaths in less than 4 months. To say that I was spinning I am putting that mildly. My Mom was 97 and wanted to die but my borther told me flat out he wanted to live and get out of that hospital and yet due to negligence in the first hospital he had been in caused his death. A law-suit is pending.
We had driven 1272 miles each way to see him and he was awake and very weak and I knew from speaking with his doctors and his reading his chart that his chances were slim to none. His one son, said, Aunt Sharon, do you think my Daddy has a chance and I said HOney do you want me to answer you truthfully and he said yes, and I looked into his baby blue eyes so like my brothers and said No honey, I think your Dad is going to Heaven very soon and I am not God but I am pretty sure of this.
On Mother's day we stayed nearly all day at the hospital with him but he wasn't very comfortable and yet he did speak a few words to us. He told me he loved me and always had and hugged me and let me hold him in my arms and I sand an Irish Lullabye to him and cradled him in my arms and he said gosh you sounded good Sharon. Mom used to sing that to us and I said yes and he said you sure sang it better than her. We both laughed and he said keep singing to me Sis. I did and he fell back to sleep. We had to start for hom on Tuesday. He went back into ICU on Mother's Day night and my last memory of my Baby Brother was with him with the dan ventilator and looking more dead than alive. The wonderful surgeons worked hard on him and got him off that ventilator and back in a room and his wife had such hopes. so Sad, cause she was just in denial. She called us and said they want to possibly put in back on the ventilator and I said that would be the 4rh time in less than 2 months, isn't that an awful lot. She said yes, I was right and I said, do what you have the right to do as his wife and whatever you decide to do I will stand behind you. He was so weak and could not eat but by tube and hadn't eaten a bite in over a month. My brother looked like a skeleton with skin stretched over it. The memory is etched in my brain. I called the day he died and spoke with his doctor and told him to whisper my goodbye's to him and tell him that is Tootie and that is what he called me said to tell Daddy and our brother Mike hello and that it was ok to just go to sleep to be with the Angels. Hard, my God that was hard. When the doctor leaned over him and whispered to him my brother stopped his constant movement and the doctor and my sister-in-law and her kids all said Terry just seemed to smile.
Then, the last of my brothers went to God. I got the job of going to my Mom's Assited Living Facility to tell her. We all debated but I knew that she would somehow know something was wrong especially since I had not been with her for Mother's Day. I was able to get one of the Priest to meet us there in case she needed him. It was a very hard day for me and one of so many that would follow. Mom did ok but I watched her and knew she was not herself and was really upset. she went to the hospital herself by ambulance on June 22 and took her last steps on June 23 and was dead on September 21. She was so confused she kept telling everyone she was already 98 and her birthday wasn't until November 24.
Last year as in many years that just happened to be our Thanksiving too. It was hard to go to my son's house without her and pretend like nothing was wrong. Awful dang day. But I made it through it and never let anyone know how bad I felt. I just acted like I was so-called normal. I almost didn't even go but knew I had to do that for my grand-son too. Things had to go on as they will when it is my time to
join them all in Heaven.
Since they have both gone on to their better life, I have seen and heard my husband's cardioligist tell him that he was a candidate for instant death due to his severe aortic stenosis and 90 % narrowing of his aortic valve. Candidate for Instant death and I thought God, Please no more and not him.
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