I am not well and have not been for years! But my husbands many illnesses are slowly driving me to the bottom of a bottomless cavern of dispair.
Let's see, he has stage 3 kidney disease, diabetes and aortic stenosis. He has had a quadruple bi-pass and that was in 2001. He nearly died then as he had a bleeder and they had to go back in the same day e had the first surgery and fix him again. He was in ICU from Monday through late Thrusday and then transferred to a one. We thought wow, this is great. As badk as he looked and he looked gray, he was at least one step closer to getting home. They came in to give him another blood transfusion and right after they removed it and left the room he started to turn white and shaking like mad. I scream we need a nurse in room whatever it was STAT and I had nearly a hospital of nurses in that room and then they Physicians assistant came in and asked me what I saw happen and ordered stuff for Tim. I explaned what I saw and Tim tried weakly to tell him the same thing and he told us that is was classic for a reaction to a blood transfusion and that there had to be something in that particular donor lbood that Tim was allergic too. He went so far as to say that if I had not been in the room and actedd so quickly Tim could have gone into shock and then death was imminent. So for those of you who never knew this verify it and never walk out of a room where your loved one is getting a transfusion . Did I wake some of you up with this warning, well, I hope so, as it has me scared to freakening death.
Why did I know what to do, I will never know but to say that God provided me with the strength when I needed it. Makes you wonder why so many people die and the diagnosis will be complications from surgery and the family is grieving so badly that they never really get an answer. My husband had to have 9 pints of whole blood and 3 pints of plasma after those 2 surgeries in one day so I was 3 times as afraid. Pray, you bet, I did. Talk to God, certainly and constantly. I know I don't have to say it's me as he knows who it is before I open my mouth.
Ok, that is where my journey to insanity began or at least I think that is where it started, but , wait, it might go back to when my tall robust, handsome Daddy had a heart attack on a Sunday after he played a round of golf and hit his first and only whole in one and he had a heart attack and would nto let my Mom call the doctor. He also did something so stupid that it made me ill. He refused to let my Mom turn the Ac unit on which would have helped him breathe better and finally after many phone calls between my Mom and I she finally gave me permission to come over to talk to him. Tim and I got a sitter and ran out to South Lorain, OH to see what we could do. I looked at him and my Daddy was pretty dam pale and his skin was clammy and he complained of a pain that was the worst he had ever had in his life. So, I sat down in the cahir by is bed and cajoled him into letting me call our Dr. and he agreed. The doc arrived in about 20 minutes and he said it looked like my suspicions were correct and Daddy had a heart attack. So, he called an ambulance and we followed them to the hospital and I called my married borhter as I knew he would want to know and they got her Mom to watch her kids and they met us at the hospital. Daddy was put in the cardiac intensive care unit and at that time it was supposedly the best in Lorain County. Well, on Monday, they told Mom and I that Daddy had indeed had a heart attack but that if all went well, he might be home in 6 weeks time and that he would probably be alright. Well, they lied! the very next day he was dead. Again, I can nto stress, do not smoke and if you do STOP.
In January, Daddy needed to have a tooth pulled and as I was the only driver available I took him to the oral surgeons office in Elyria, OH, and waited and pretty soon he came out and said we had to go home. I said, ok, when we got in my car, I said I am not moving this car until you tell me why they would not pull your tooth and he said, because my dam blood pressure was to high. He said they told him to go straight to the hospital at Elyria Memorial and I started to drive there. But he siad if you go there I will not get out and go in or I will get out and call at cab. Stubborn fool. So, I cried but drov ehim home and woudl ask him and make him mad nearly weekly about let's go to the doctor's or had he been to the doctor's and it was always he was gonna do it next week. Next week alwas came and went and he did not do it.
Daddy never made it to the docotr's. His sister, his favorite sister, was to have come to Ohio for 2 weeks in July and she had a stroke the night before she was to board the plane and it was so bad the doctors asked the family in Memphis to get the rest of us together as she was not expected to live. So on Sunday we all drove to Memphis. My husband and I made it intot the hospital parking garage first and I got chosen to go in at the next visiting session which was 2 people( only) every hour for 16 min. So, I looked and saw my Great aunt sitting there and looked at her and held out my hand and said want to go with me? She said yes, and she and I were told we could talk to my wonderful Aunt Maybelle and no one really knew what the person who was so ill could hear. So I started talking to her about getting us all to Memphis when she was supposed to be in Ohio.
Told her how we had just rushed ourselved ragged getting there and the very least she could do was wake up and get out of that bed and cook us some of her famous Ravioli. Told her Daddy and Momma would be in to see her in a few ininutes. My Great Aunt Lena, said Mammie Belle, now, you need too look at Miss Sharon here all these miles to see you. She said do you hear us and I said if you can hear me try to squeeze my hand and she did and we reported it to the doctor and he said oh it was just a nervous reflex and I said, well, sure seemed right to me. sure enough, she did not do it again.
we stayed in Memphis mostly at the hospital for nearly a week and she showed no moe response. The only thing was when I was with her and talking to her as though she could hear me and answer me, her blood pressure would go up and her vitals would improve.
We arrived home worried as heck about her and prayed our knees off. Then, the news was she is staying the same and may never wake-up to where she once was. We never lost hope but knew that she was in a good hospital and if there was anything that could bring her back to us whole it would be prayer.
that was July 15th that she had her stoke and in the next 2 weeks we all just lived in la-la land. Nothing more we could do.
Then, on August 2nd, my big robust father played his last round of golf he would ever play. He would be dead 2 days later and she never could be told until after my birthday in October and then the doctors felt she needed to be told as she kept asking for him. she said where is Mike and why isn't he here?
I saved the letter she wrote after she was told with her doctor present. She said, she could not beleive we had such a tragedy and was so sorry she could not be there for me. How wonderful of her to be so unselfish as to think of all of us first. As her strength increased which it did day by day, she was back on her feet in 6 months and walking and also using her wheel chair to go out but she was back and we talked nearly daily. what wonderful fun we had. She would talk to my children and tell them good night. By the following October, she arrived a whole year and a few months late but she flew into Cleveland Airport. She was totally incontinent and no one told us. She had soaked through her clothing and I saw her coat was wringing wet and grabbed an old blanket I kept in the car for her to put around her as I politely told her that it was so much colder in Ohio than Memphis and I was taking good care of her. When she got to our house she changed every single bit of clothing and I washed it all and she was good as new. She said she did not realize it but must have sat in something on the plane. I pretended that all was well. I warned my Mom about it and put plastic under my throws on the couches. Mom forgot and when she went there, she had a major disaster.
Mother was real angry and they had words and I went and picked her up and brought her back to our house as though I had not heard a thing about their battle. she was very quiet and said she seemed to be having a problem and I said, I seem to have a real problem and I said well we can take care of it and so I bought the plastic covers with paper on them and also a huge mattress cover and got her some adult diapers and while she hated them she was glad not to be embarassed. She said wow, I feel like a new woman. so, she went home and they got a call telling them what brand to buy and that she was fine with them too.
boy, there were a whole bunch of older folks than me and some younger too and not one of them could do anymore than go Poor thing, Hell she didn't want to be a poor thing but wanted to be welcomed by them and they avoided having her in their homes because they refused to address the issue. She lived until just after her birthday in May of 1974 and passed away in her sleep. How sad to think she is gone. Daddy first and she close behind by 4 years. Imagine the doctors gave up on her and she fooled them all. When she squeezed my hand that day, I knew she was not gone very far and would make it back. Medicine is not an exact science and there is just so much guess work. She outlived their great Aunt who was not to die until the late 70's and we could hardly believe that she was still around all those years later.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
50th anniversary denied!
Well that big day is coming and we are thinking that our celebration will be to let the car roll backwards down the drive way and start it to come back up and yell Happy Anniversary, Honey. Who can afford gas to go anywhere. We can cook out on the lanai and take a dip in the pool and that will be our celebration.
Now, one child said why Mom that is a big deal and you deserve to go on a cruise and I said did you ever hear about that cruise ship that is laying on it's side and all those passengers still missing? He said oh that is just a freak of nature that that happened and this week there was another one that was stranded with no power in pirate infested waters off the coast of Africa with no AC, no running water and unsanitary toilet facilities. Nope, I may be a dope but cruising is not for me. Then, all those poor people who got the Noro virus about several of the ships. I can get sick at home and do not want to be offered a free cruise on that same ship next year. NO WAY<
We had just wanted to go to Ashville, NC, and spend a few days and enjoy the Biltmore Estate but now gas has caused us to just take the driveway trip. Husband has a lot of health issues and may need to rest anyway until next fall so our anniversary on May 12 will be just another day. Pretty sucky but oh well, we are still together after all these years and that is because we are both to ornery to leave and who else would want us. We are stuck like glue!
Now, one child said why Mom that is a big deal and you deserve to go on a cruise and I said did you ever hear about that cruise ship that is laying on it's side and all those passengers still missing? He said oh that is just a freak of nature that that happened and this week there was another one that was stranded with no power in pirate infested waters off the coast of Africa with no AC, no running water and unsanitary toilet facilities. Nope, I may be a dope but cruising is not for me. Then, all those poor people who got the Noro virus about several of the ships. I can get sick at home and do not want to be offered a free cruise on that same ship next year. NO WAY<
We had just wanted to go to Ashville, NC, and spend a few days and enjoy the Biltmore Estate but now gas has caused us to just take the driveway trip. Husband has a lot of health issues and may need to rest anyway until next fall so our anniversary on May 12 will be just another day. Pretty sucky but oh well, we are still together after all these years and that is because we are both to ornery to leave and who else would want us. We are stuck like glue!
Friday, March 30, 2012
Losses and fears!
Today I can count my losses which in less than a years time have been far to many by anyone's books.
First, I lost my wonderful brohter who was only 60 and who by his own words wanted to get out the hospital and get well and go home. When, I asked him, if he wanted to get well and get out of that place, his answer although weak was probably the strongest he had been in weeks when he answered, Hell, Yes! Hmm, that was not to be and he left there to go to the Funeral Home and now he is forever gone.
Not in my heart, not ever!
Less than a month later our MOther went to the ER for what turned out to be impacted bowel and she would never walk again after her 3rd day there. The doctor refused to send to her to Hospice House but insisted she might be able to be rehabbed and ordered her to go to a rehab/nursing home. Strong hse was but she was very tired of this life and all the disapointments and I beleive my brother's death, her baby was the last straw for her. she told us repeatedly how she wanted to go and be with my Father and the boys. Finally one morning she did.
The loss of both of them so close together was like I had been hit in the head with a baseball bat. I still can't believe I don't have to get her hearing aide batteries at the store of some other stuff she might need. I could not believe it when I cleaned out her closet at the ALF and found the last outfit we had ever bought for her still on a hanger and with the tags still on it and we think she never tried it on. So, that was just another shock. I found cards and notes and photos from so many folks that she always told me she never heard from. My husband and I were amazed at how much there is still for me to go through. The photos alone are priceless and the cards and little notes that folks sent her so thoughtful and she must have forgotten that they had even sent them.
Dementia is awful. Her mind would see so sharp but she had moments where we had no clue that she was trying to take us.
Then, due to our poor fiancial picture I felt compelled to sell my nice jewelry which I had received as gifts from my husband and even friends throughout the years. I was nto wearing it for fear of being knocked down and robbed for a gold ring or braclet. My life is worth more to me than that.
This was another loss and I know as all humans we lose people and things and friends died this year too. Not to many here in Florida but in my outreach circle of friends. to knwo I will never receive a card or a call or a hello from them is just hurtful. we all go through this but did it all have to happen in less than a year?
I do not even want to love or like anyone so when they go on to heaven I won't feel so bad. What a cowardly admission, but, never-the-less, a true one.
The heart doctor tells me sort of bad stuff aout my own health and I wonder if I will beat my husband to the mortuary. He is so ill and yet seems so strong. Me, I just feel like heck today and have for about 4 days now and it is my allergies and I do not want to have to take Prednisone again, but that is where I am headed I am afraid.
Youngest son and his wife and family will be moving in a few months and God how I will miss him. He makes me laugh even when he makes me upset. He has a very quick wit and yet he has a sly side which includes lying and it is getting between the layers of truth and lie that plague me. He never used to be this way or was I blind to it? right now, I am praying so very hard for his wife's health and that of their un-born twin boys. I know you can pray as hard as you want to but it is in God's Hands and while He does listen, He has His Own Plan.
Other dear friends just told us that they sold their home and are moving to North Caroline and I was devastated as I always thought they would just be here until God took me. If the move will make then happy, then, great but it makes me very sad.
My oldest grand-son turned 18 and I had so hoped he would find his voice in his Downs World but he is not doinf that and I have no clue what or if he will ever be able to hold down a job of any kind. so sad for that loss for him and in a way for me as I have missed 18 years of him answering or responding to me when I have spoken to him. He can say Ma Witch his nick-name for me and Gampa Witch for my husband and tells us over and over again how much he loves us but that is about it. So sad to think of his life possibly going on after I am gone and knowing he will never be able to drive or even marry. So dang many losses.
Then, now, I will lose my 9 year old grand-son, my little Gabby child when his parents move away to follow their careers in management and I understand it is time they spread their wings and flew away but it is so awful to think I can only speak to him by phone when or if they answer it and I will only get to see him now and again. I will miss that sweet little voice and his smart mouthed ways. It is tearing my insides up, all these losses.
I am trying to be prepared for whatever may happen to my husband when he has his heart surgery and he may have to go on dialysis before that as his kidneys are starting to act up. Diabetes is not under control either. although it is some better. I have done all I could to make his meals by the directions of the Daibetic folks and the kidney people too. What else can I do and when he goes shopping and buys whatever he wants then I just feel like I have somehow failed him. that old adage, "you can lead a orse to Water but you can't make him drink" comes to mind.
First, I lost my wonderful brohter who was only 60 and who by his own words wanted to get out the hospital and get well and go home. When, I asked him, if he wanted to get well and get out of that place, his answer although weak was probably the strongest he had been in weeks when he answered, Hell, Yes! Hmm, that was not to be and he left there to go to the Funeral Home and now he is forever gone.
Not in my heart, not ever!
Less than a month later our MOther went to the ER for what turned out to be impacted bowel and she would never walk again after her 3rd day there. The doctor refused to send to her to Hospice House but insisted she might be able to be rehabbed and ordered her to go to a rehab/nursing home. Strong hse was but she was very tired of this life and all the disapointments and I beleive my brother's death, her baby was the last straw for her. she told us repeatedly how she wanted to go and be with my Father and the boys. Finally one morning she did.
The loss of both of them so close together was like I had been hit in the head with a baseball bat. I still can't believe I don't have to get her hearing aide batteries at the store of some other stuff she might need. I could not believe it when I cleaned out her closet at the ALF and found the last outfit we had ever bought for her still on a hanger and with the tags still on it and we think she never tried it on. So, that was just another shock. I found cards and notes and photos from so many folks that she always told me she never heard from. My husband and I were amazed at how much there is still for me to go through. The photos alone are priceless and the cards and little notes that folks sent her so thoughtful and she must have forgotten that they had even sent them.
Dementia is awful. Her mind would see so sharp but she had moments where we had no clue that she was trying to take us.
Then, due to our poor fiancial picture I felt compelled to sell my nice jewelry which I had received as gifts from my husband and even friends throughout the years. I was nto wearing it for fear of being knocked down and robbed for a gold ring or braclet. My life is worth more to me than that.
This was another loss and I know as all humans we lose people and things and friends died this year too. Not to many here in Florida but in my outreach circle of friends. to knwo I will never receive a card or a call or a hello from them is just hurtful. we all go through this but did it all have to happen in less than a year?
I do not even want to love or like anyone so when they go on to heaven I won't feel so bad. What a cowardly admission, but, never-the-less, a true one.
The heart doctor tells me sort of bad stuff aout my own health and I wonder if I will beat my husband to the mortuary. He is so ill and yet seems so strong. Me, I just feel like heck today and have for about 4 days now and it is my allergies and I do not want to have to take Prednisone again, but that is where I am headed I am afraid.
Youngest son and his wife and family will be moving in a few months and God how I will miss him. He makes me laugh even when he makes me upset. He has a very quick wit and yet he has a sly side which includes lying and it is getting between the layers of truth and lie that plague me. He never used to be this way or was I blind to it? right now, I am praying so very hard for his wife's health and that of their un-born twin boys. I know you can pray as hard as you want to but it is in God's Hands and while He does listen, He has His Own Plan.
Other dear friends just told us that they sold their home and are moving to North Caroline and I was devastated as I always thought they would just be here until God took me. If the move will make then happy, then, great but it makes me very sad.
My oldest grand-son turned 18 and I had so hoped he would find his voice in his Downs World but he is not doinf that and I have no clue what or if he will ever be able to hold down a job of any kind. so sad for that loss for him and in a way for me as I have missed 18 years of him answering or responding to me when I have spoken to him. He can say Ma Witch his nick-name for me and Gampa Witch for my husband and tells us over and over again how much he loves us but that is about it. So sad to think of his life possibly going on after I am gone and knowing he will never be able to drive or even marry. So dang many losses.
Then, now, I will lose my 9 year old grand-son, my little Gabby child when his parents move away to follow their careers in management and I understand it is time they spread their wings and flew away but it is so awful to think I can only speak to him by phone when or if they answer it and I will only get to see him now and again. I will miss that sweet little voice and his smart mouthed ways. It is tearing my insides up, all these losses.
I am trying to be prepared for whatever may happen to my husband when he has his heart surgery and he may have to go on dialysis before that as his kidneys are starting to act up. Diabetes is not under control either. although it is some better. I have done all I could to make his meals by the directions of the Daibetic folks and the kidney people too. What else can I do and when he goes shopping and buys whatever he wants then I just feel like I have somehow failed him. that old adage, "you can lead a orse to Water but you can't make him drink" comes to mind.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Sort of upset!
Having to sell my jewelry that I received mostly when I was working and some of which had been laid away and it meant so much to me just to know that it was there. ha Ha! Money is needed and perhaps very soon as hubby may need to go to Miami for his aortic valve replacement. What a mess this all is! I have done without and just realized that there is very little money and this had to be done. Sort of the same thing happened when he needed to be off work for 4 months after his Open Heart Surgery. I had to take nearly all of my money that I had stashed away in my IRA and use it to keep our heads above water
I thought this was what you were supposed to do in a marriage. But after I took all the stuff to the 2 places I went today, my husband said you did nto get rid of all those emerald rings did you and all your gold bracelets and I said, well, I showed them to you 3 days ago and you did not say don't sell any of it. It is gone now, absolutely, a memory and I thought to myself, why didn't you take the stuff I bought you.
Am I dying and do I have an illness that I don't know about and he does? Is this why he simply acted so lame? I dont' know as it was just to traumatic to have this stuff all so pretty and so loved and so full of memories one minute and within less than a half hour they are all gone. Really hurting, but trying to be brave as usual. He is acting like an idiot about a bicycle that just sits in the garage and collects dust as he never rides it. What is up with that? We can make money which we need and it just sits. I will give him 2 more days and then it will go on craig's list! If I have to sell and be strong then by God, he had better do the same dam thing.
I have taken care of people and helped him thoughout our marriage oh so much and worked when I could hardly walk and yet, I did it to try and keep things smoothly running around here. I did nto knwo what was the matter and finally found a doctor to tell me I had this strange thing that I had never heard of called Fibromyalgia. As I read more about it I got real discouraged as I must have had it for years and years. Got the diagnosis in 1992 and I continued to fight it until I could hardly stand up in 1995.
since I have been off work, I have found out so much more about the illness and have been so discouraged. I look just overweight but I am very ill. so many other problems that go along with it.
I thought this was what you were supposed to do in a marriage. But after I took all the stuff to the 2 places I went today, my husband said you did nto get rid of all those emerald rings did you and all your gold bracelets and I said, well, I showed them to you 3 days ago and you did not say don't sell any of it. It is gone now, absolutely, a memory and I thought to myself, why didn't you take the stuff I bought you.
Am I dying and do I have an illness that I don't know about and he does? Is this why he simply acted so lame? I dont' know as it was just to traumatic to have this stuff all so pretty and so loved and so full of memories one minute and within less than a half hour they are all gone. Really hurting, but trying to be brave as usual. He is acting like an idiot about a bicycle that just sits in the garage and collects dust as he never rides it. What is up with that? We can make money which we need and it just sits. I will give him 2 more days and then it will go on craig's list! If I have to sell and be strong then by God, he had better do the same dam thing.
I have taken care of people and helped him thoughout our marriage oh so much and worked when I could hardly walk and yet, I did it to try and keep things smoothly running around here. I did nto knwo what was the matter and finally found a doctor to tell me I had this strange thing that I had never heard of called Fibromyalgia. As I read more about it I got real discouraged as I must have had it for years and years. Got the diagnosis in 1992 and I continued to fight it until I could hardly stand up in 1995.
since I have been off work, I have found out so much more about the illness and have been so discouraged. I look just overweight but I am very ill. so many other problems that go along with it.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Waiting to exhale!
Well that was a film or song or book title and right now I simply do not know which, But I am waiting to do it anyway.
After so much prednisone, 2 weeks of a Z-pak and so much darned Mucinex, I am done. Still coughing and sounding like an idiot every morning. Have washed and sanitized sheets, towels, bedding and still I cough and cough and cough some more. last year I got something similar than began in September and did not finish with medication until Christmas Eve. Now, that was way to long for anyone to be sick.
I have Fibro and fight that daily and have asthma and when I get an allergy attack well it is not pretty and I know to jump on top of something when I get a fever of nearly 103. That is a sign my body is fighting whatever is attacking it but no real answer to the what's and why's of it all. I tried resting and believe me I needed it. I was so exhausted and I feel that it is all due to the months of severe stress I went thru the last part of 2011.
Today, I had to turn down a free cat whom I had come to love. My son simply could not afford her allergy meds any longer with twin boys due very soon. the poor cat had itchy skin from God knows what and has had to have shots and pills and even flea dip and she still could not seemingly get well. She is probably already put to sleep. My son is so upset as he loved her a lot. I told him that in life pets just can't come before people. It is the way of things. I have had to put many pets down through the years and I know his hurt very well. My one dog has a cough and gags a lot. I feel that soon I will have to stop ignoring and pretending it isn't happening and address the issue like an adult. the dog is eating ok and not loosing weight so I will hope he continues to do so. Loosing a pet is so hard and they had to do it. He simply could not afford any more vet bills and Gosh he tried to find it a home. She was a swet cat and if I did not have so many allergies I would have begged to bring her here but with 2 animals already here, we could not afford to adopt a sick one.
After so much prednisone, 2 weeks of a Z-pak and so much darned Mucinex, I am done. Still coughing and sounding like an idiot every morning. Have washed and sanitized sheets, towels, bedding and still I cough and cough and cough some more. last year I got something similar than began in September and did not finish with medication until Christmas Eve. Now, that was way to long for anyone to be sick.
I have Fibro and fight that daily and have asthma and when I get an allergy attack well it is not pretty and I know to jump on top of something when I get a fever of nearly 103. That is a sign my body is fighting whatever is attacking it but no real answer to the what's and why's of it all. I tried resting and believe me I needed it. I was so exhausted and I feel that it is all due to the months of severe stress I went thru the last part of 2011.
Today, I had to turn down a free cat whom I had come to love. My son simply could not afford her allergy meds any longer with twin boys due very soon. the poor cat had itchy skin from God knows what and has had to have shots and pills and even flea dip and she still could not seemingly get well. She is probably already put to sleep. My son is so upset as he loved her a lot. I told him that in life pets just can't come before people. It is the way of things. I have had to put many pets down through the years and I know his hurt very well. My one dog has a cough and gags a lot. I feel that soon I will have to stop ignoring and pretending it isn't happening and address the issue like an adult. the dog is eating ok and not loosing weight so I will hope he continues to do so. Loosing a pet is so hard and they had to do it. He simply could not afford any more vet bills and Gosh he tried to find it a home. She was a swet cat and if I did not have so many allergies I would have begged to bring her here but with 2 animals already here, we could not afford to adopt a sick one.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Never give up on the Irish!
I heard young movie star say that while he was being interviewed and I thought gosh, that is what my Mom had always told me. Never give up, be proud and stand tall and never ever quit!
Hmmm, these last few months have tested that skill I learned as a very little girl. I wonder if I am still as strong as I once was and then I sit back and think of all that took place between April of 2011 and Sept. of 2011 and know that somewhere in me there was still some strength.
Actually I thought I had lost it all but in truth, maybe, you never do. You just don't need it as much until the time actually arrives.
Now, this family is waiting on the birth of twin babies and the doc is pretty sure it is 2 boys. Wow, one baby was a miracle but 2 is absolutely mind boggling. I am 70 years old and they are looking to me to step and and baby-sit. Well, I am not so sure I want that responsibility as new born babies really need healthy folks to take care of them and I am not so healthy with a myriad of diagnosis. My husband is the same way. We want to see them and be with them and maybe for an hour or so stay with them but as to watching them all day any day and I am ready to roll my sleeping bag up and head out. I am afraid, of 2 babies that aren't even here yet!
That took a lot to type those words! I feared my brother's death, both of them and then my Mom's death and we lived her agony daily. She had some wonderful days when she was so bright and alert and we or I should say I foolishly felt she would be alright and could still beging to walk again. No one has explained to me the physical reason why she simply could not walk anymore or hold a spoon or a glass either. I do not understand it one little bit. They tell me she had End Stage Dementia and I say, she seemed to have had a stroke and that is when the world went away from her. The strange thing is she always knew us all. she called us by our names and even talked to us about subjects that were current occasionally but mostly she was back in time and talking about folks that she knew as a child who were long dead when I came along.
Miss my Mom, God knows I do every single day. I think I will remember to tell her something later and then I remember she probably already knows it and she is not ever going to have me tell her. I miss seeing her even as she had become in the last few years. Her bad moods included which were very frequent. I wonder if God will let me live to be 97 or let my husband live another few months or days or seconds even.
Being with death for all those months did something to me. I have not been back in a church yet I hear one calling me. I feel so dam lost. Raised as a Catholic and when I tried to get a priest to come to the funeral home so we could have a little prayer said I got ignored as they were to busy. Now, if I want to pay them $100 they will say a funeral Mass and if I want the organist she wants a $100 too and then the cantor wants $80. Now, my Mom was a devout Cathlic and I feel so badly that she has had none of that but her cremains remain here in a box waiting to be sent to OH for her internment with my Dad. I have the mone to do that thanks to contributions from many. Oh yes, that is a thousand dollars too for them to dig a hole in the same place where my Dad is and to put her in the ground!
Anniversaries!! If we are alive, we will celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary and I wonder who would want to join us in that celebration. Nearly everyone we have met since we moved to FL is dead or has moved away. So it is us and our kids. I am very sad as I wanted a nice little celebration like other folks have but guess I am not other folks. I have no clue how they managed to have the money to do it all with either. Those things cost money too and a lot of time an effort goes into the planning. If we went back to OH, I am sure I could make arrangements and we could renew our vows ery inexpensively at the Church we were married in and it still exists. So many have been closed as the Catholic Church paid off the people who were molested by the immoral priests. Bitter is the pill I swallow when I think of all this silly stuff.
My Mom would have wanted me to have a huge party and if she were alive she would have been there sitting in a chair observing all the festivities but she is not going to be there anymore than I am going to have any festivities.
I did call one Catholic Church and they need a years advance notice with a down payment to hold the date for us to renew our vows. I said who knows if they are going to be alive next year??
Hmmm, these last few months have tested that skill I learned as a very little girl. I wonder if I am still as strong as I once was and then I sit back and think of all that took place between April of 2011 and Sept. of 2011 and know that somewhere in me there was still some strength.
Actually I thought I had lost it all but in truth, maybe, you never do. You just don't need it as much until the time actually arrives.
Now, this family is waiting on the birth of twin babies and the doc is pretty sure it is 2 boys. Wow, one baby was a miracle but 2 is absolutely mind boggling. I am 70 years old and they are looking to me to step and and baby-sit. Well, I am not so sure I want that responsibility as new born babies really need healthy folks to take care of them and I am not so healthy with a myriad of diagnosis. My husband is the same way. We want to see them and be with them and maybe for an hour or so stay with them but as to watching them all day any day and I am ready to roll my sleeping bag up and head out. I am afraid, of 2 babies that aren't even here yet!
That took a lot to type those words! I feared my brother's death, both of them and then my Mom's death and we lived her agony daily. She had some wonderful days when she was so bright and alert and we or I should say I foolishly felt she would be alright and could still beging to walk again. No one has explained to me the physical reason why she simply could not walk anymore or hold a spoon or a glass either. I do not understand it one little bit. They tell me she had End Stage Dementia and I say, she seemed to have had a stroke and that is when the world went away from her. The strange thing is she always knew us all. she called us by our names and even talked to us about subjects that were current occasionally but mostly she was back in time and talking about folks that she knew as a child who were long dead when I came along.
Miss my Mom, God knows I do every single day. I think I will remember to tell her something later and then I remember she probably already knows it and she is not ever going to have me tell her. I miss seeing her even as she had become in the last few years. Her bad moods included which were very frequent. I wonder if God will let me live to be 97 or let my husband live another few months or days or seconds even.
Being with death for all those months did something to me. I have not been back in a church yet I hear one calling me. I feel so dam lost. Raised as a Catholic and when I tried to get a priest to come to the funeral home so we could have a little prayer said I got ignored as they were to busy. Now, if I want to pay them $100 they will say a funeral Mass and if I want the organist she wants a $100 too and then the cantor wants $80. Now, my Mom was a devout Cathlic and I feel so badly that she has had none of that but her cremains remain here in a box waiting to be sent to OH for her internment with my Dad. I have the mone to do that thanks to contributions from many. Oh yes, that is a thousand dollars too for them to dig a hole in the same place where my Dad is and to put her in the ground!
Anniversaries!! If we are alive, we will celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary and I wonder who would want to join us in that celebration. Nearly everyone we have met since we moved to FL is dead or has moved away. So it is us and our kids. I am very sad as I wanted a nice little celebration like other folks have but guess I am not other folks. I have no clue how they managed to have the money to do it all with either. Those things cost money too and a lot of time an effort goes into the planning. If we went back to OH, I am sure I could make arrangements and we could renew our vows ery inexpensively at the Church we were married in and it still exists. So many have been closed as the Catholic Church paid off the people who were molested by the immoral priests. Bitter is the pill I swallow when I think of all this silly stuff.
My Mom would have wanted me to have a huge party and if she were alive she would have been there sitting in a chair observing all the festivities but she is not going to be there anymore than I am going to have any festivities.
I did call one Catholic Church and they need a years advance notice with a down payment to hold the date for us to renew our vows. I said who knows if they are going to be alive next year??
Sunday, January 22, 2012
My little brother is gone too!
Ya know I can't believe it. My little brother should have been having a 61st brthday last August 29th. I know cause I remember when he was born. What happened to him is just so hard to think about. yet. it happened,
He was a wonderful young baby, child and even early teen. Then, he drifted as all kids do to his own friends. I had to accept that and still love him as an older sister should. I did! I even made him my daughter's God -Father. He was so proud and I was proud of him knowing that the bond between them would last forever or so I thought.
Then, he announced to our Mom and Dad he was enlisting in the Army with his buddy. They were proud of him not wanting to run away from his duty but wanting to enlist as our Dad and his 3 brothers had. Many were leaving the states for Canada or wherever they could to resist the Viet Nam war. I hated every single one of them. That is a truth as I am afraid I judged those draft dodgers very badly. Only God should judge anybody and I do know that but the human being in me, still made the error.
He want to Nam and there were times when my folks did not hear from him at all. He was in the front lines and worry does not even begin to say how we all felt. Candles were lit and prayers were said and hope was our anthem. On Jyly 4th, 1970, he returned from Nam. We had a big cook-out at my house and invited my older brother's family too but they could not make it. So it was us and our 2 kids and Mom and Daddy and the guest of honor. He was so unearthly quiet and seemed to be a nervous wreck. I got absolutely no info on what had happened to him in Nam and figured that he just did not want to bring up a bad subject in front of 2 little kids. Knowing him as I thought I did, well, I prayed he would eventually open up to me. He never did.
He did talk to our folks and told them most of it and they repeated it gradually to me. He had been in a fire fight in Nam and it was but oen of many and was in a fox-hole with his buddy and a live grenade was thrown in with them and his buddy threw himself on my brother and died and saved my brother's life. He lost many friends, but he made it home alive.
We knew nothing about PTSD back in those days. He was drinking a lot but well we figured it was age related and he would outgrown that and he never did.
I begged him not to drink and drive and to stop his chain smoking and he just laughed at his well-meaning bossy older sister. God how I wish I had not given up on him but I did. Yes, I did. Dealing with him when he wasn't drinking was bad but when he was on the sauce he was so ill-tempered and unpredictable that I simply could not handle that much hatred. He felt his buddy should not have died and the worst thing was our father died exactly 1 month after he came home from Nam.
daddy had a heart attack on Sunday and was dead on Tuesday morning. On that Sunday evening I wracked my brain trying to figure out where he was. Knew he was probably drinking at some of the young folks places and remembered hearing him mention one particular place and so I called them and said I was his sister and if he was there to tell him to get to the local hospital ASAP. told them that if he was to drunk to put him in a cab and get him there. The next thing I knew a very inebriated brother showed up at the hospital and of course Mom was all hollering at him for it too. Not the time to do that. I could see fear like none I had ever seen in my life written all over his face and also guilt and sheer ignorance for what to do.
2 mornings later he called me and said the words that none of us expected to hear, Daddy has taken a turn for the worse and the hospital said we had better get there. We lived the closest but I had to get a sitter to come and stay with my kids who were still sleeping and my husband and I drove like idiots to the hospital as though we could stop the terrible thing from happening but simply getting there. Take my words to heart, you can't stop God!
I could have gone in to be with my dead Father, but, I chose to wait for my Mom and give her that as it was her right to be with Daddy first. I saw the lights to his room were off and the blinds were closed and knew without a doubt that he was gone. When she arrived with my baby brother, he who stood taller than she looked over her head at me and shook his head and I just sighed yes. We waited for only about 5 seconds and my other brother and his wife pulled in. We all walked down the hall together and my Mom rang the bell and turned and said Sharon, please come in with me. I want you first. Lord, I did nto want to go in there at all. I did nto want to see my robust father no longer breathing but I knew I had to do as I was asked so I went in with her. The silence of that room was the worst I have ever experinced so far. No machines and no movement. They came in and asked me if I was willing to take some medication and believe me I would have taken anything to just go back home and have this all a bad dream. But the medication did not stop the pain but made me more secure. I had to be in charge of my emotions for my Mom's sake. Then, Mom told me to have my husband come in and I did as I was told and he hugged both of us and cried with us and told us how sorry he was. We all were crying so openly. I had to remember we were in the ICU unit of the cardiac section and we had to not upset anyone else. Then, Mom walked to the door and had the baby come in and he was so white he was nearly ashen. He later told me that his Daddy should not have been dead and why did God save him and take our Daddy. Why did he take Mom's husband? Why, Why? why! we all had the same question and then my oldest brother went in with his wife and Mom and the other 3 of us just stood there and took turns holding each other and crying into each other's shoulders and arms. We had to make immediate decisions like which funeral home to call and which priest to call and so on and on.
My Mom hair turned perfectly white all around her face and she wrinkled up like a prune. It was the worst I had ever seen her. She had the Baby with her so I knew he would look out for her or so I thought anyway. Though that this tragedy would straighten his butt out. I had to call my sitter and tell her that Daddy had passed away and that we were going to be going with Mom and so on. she cried too. After all, in those days your neighbors were your sitters and helpers and cared about you and you cared about them and theirs too.
My brother lived with my Mom when he felt like it but was gone so much that she worried that much more about him. He was arrested more than once for DUI. Acouple of times he had pulled into a parking lot to sleep in off and had been arrested for simply being behind the wheel even though he was not driving and as my husband got the call to tow the car the cops le thim take the brat home and give him heck.
My husband said man, what in the heck is wrong with you? We are all trying so hard to help your Mom and she needs every single one of us and that includes you the most as you still live there. so he promised to do better after a tongue lashing from every one of us. For awhile, he really seemed to try and was almost his old self. I had no idea that he was also smoking reefer. what a dummy I was. He just traded one addiction for another and then there were the free love giving girls. He had a ready line up of them and the next thing you know Mom said he was going to have to get married and I said to which one!!
Well, they got married and I kenw very little about the family except it was very large and he was very happy with them. Most were close to his age and certainly that was a big draw as he was 9 years younger than me and 8 years younger than our brother. so he really missed having the companionship of a sibling near his own age. he readily said that to me too. They all drank a lot and partied a lot and from what I know now they smoked that weed a lot too. Guess it was just their generation. I can nto judge them as if I got judged by how many times I have lost my temper and swore or whatever, well, I am probably headed straight to hell.
they had a little boy first and he was so cute and naturally I fell in love and was so happy to see him whenever I got the chance too. Mom watched him a lot and loved him so much and now he is a grown man and he was raised sort of thinking that his only family that cared about him was his Mom's and the rest of us were snobs or such. Never knew why my brother allowed that but it happened. I begged him to come and visit and he would promise they were coming and like all housewives in those days I made snacks and stuff kids would like and cleaned my house like the Pope was coming and they would not show up. No phone call no nothing. I began to hate that other family. I had time for my older brother and his family and they came over once in awhile and he would at least call. But the younger one, simply would nto answer his phone.
The worst year, was the year, they both, husband and wife excepted an invite for Thanksgiving dinner at my house. Mom came and helped and we had the nicest set up as I could afford and more food than we should have too. My oldest brohter called and his wife and kids all had a stomach flu and I said well, if you want to come by I can make you up containers to take home and when they are better you can let them eat it. You can always freeze it until they are better. he was so gracious and came and thanked me and left and said where is that rascal and I said well you know he will be late but don't worry he promised he would come and so did she so they will be here. I said, I am so happy. Momma was happy too. But an hour later we lit the candles and ate alone my husband, 3 children and my Mom. Angry, you bet and it took every single bit of self control I had not to go to her Mother's house and pull every hair out of her head and his and then whip the rest of her dam family. God how I hated those people. 3 days later I finally got him to answer the phone and asked where he was and he told me he had chosen to go to his wife's family dinner instead. I said and you could not call and he said well what was the point in doing that!! I told him to go to hell and did not speak to him for about a year. Mom was so upset and I told her to never mention him to me again.
I gave up on him then and never ever trusted him again. He liked to lie and that was just something we had been raised not to do and why he chose to do it I will never know.
I know when I heard he was dying last year, I was devasted. That could not be possible. so, after days of trying to figure out the right thing to do we took our dogs to the vets and drove 1273 miles one way to see him in the Cleveland Clinic. We were given his room number and directions of how to find the room and when we got in the roon there were 2 very old looking men in the beds and neither oen of them resembled my baby brother. I simply could not believe I had come to the wrong place. both looked so yellow and sick and I said to my husband why he is heavier than either of these 2 men and my husband said wait a minute and he got right up next to the bed by the door and looked really hard at that man lying there and he called his name pretty loud and the man opened his blue eyes and we both knew that we were in the right place and it was to late.
Do I blame myself for giving up on him? Yep, I do, If I had tried harder maybe, just maybe, he might be alive today. but he drank himself to the grave. His wives family all liked to drink together and seem to be able to handle it but my brother could not. What a loss to see someone you love so much lying in a room alone. Everyone of his family had gone home. I was sort of grateful for that in a way to have him for a few minutes or whatever for ourselves. It was time I needed. He was so very near death. I knew it and he kept pulling at his oxygen tube trying to remove it and I said do you want to get well and get out of here and his very strong answer was Hell Yes!. so, I immediately started praying extra hard. I doubted the outcome would have been any different but God's wishes but never-the-less, my baby brother wanted to live and that was enough for me. He was strong enough to let me hold him like I used to when he was a baby and little boy and laid his head on my shoulder and let me rock him and I sang Mother's favorite lullabye to him, tooraluralura and he said Mom used to sing that and I said yes she did and he said but you sing it better and I thanked him and he said no thank you for singing it to me. I siad I love you so much and he said I love you too. He kissed me and held my hand for awhile but started to fret a lot and I could tell his end was coming no matter how many Our Father were said. I prayed he would not suffer any longer but would simply die in his sleep. He lingered thru Mother's Day and when we left the hospital that day< I had some little hope. Very little but never the less a little. He had been off the venitlator for several days and his vitals were weak but holding there own. As anyone knows someone who has been on a ventilator and has had pneumonia and liver failure and so many other bad complications his chances were very slim. His youngest boy asked me if I htought his Daddy was going to make it and I looked into his beautiful eyes and said son do you want me to look into your sweet honest eyes and tell you the truth of my thoughts or do you want me to siimply say I do not know. He said, the truth only, and I looked deeply into that young man's heart and told him that I was not God and I felt his Dad was not going to make it and that he had roughly a snowball's prayer of making it too. That night, he took a turn for the worse and they put him back on the ventilator again which now make the 3rd time. The last time I was to see him on this earth was in ICU with the ventilator and I knew there was no more hope. I was devastated. His family and his wife were so crushed. Yet, I had him first and when I had to leave on Tuesday to make the long drive back to FL, I knew that I would never see him alive again. but, God had another plan and he rallied enough to get out of ICU by Friday and he was even talking a little. I was home by then and hearing bits and pieces as his wife got a chance to text me. We had also made our peace with each other and I truly began to love the woman he would soon leave and felt so much heartache for her too.
I had to be the one to tell our Mom when God decided to take him away forever. that was so hard to do. I had a tough decision as she was going to ask me if I heard from them as she always did and I knew I could not keep it together when I answered her so I called a priest and he met us at the ALF where Mom was residing and we told her the awful news. I wanted so badly to go back for his funeral, but finances were simply impossilbe. We had just spent over $2000 and a thousand of that was on dogggie boarding service and gasoline. I got rates from different airlines and none had a direct flight that I could afford out of Fort Myers or Sarasota. Some flew to Miami and then northward or to Texas and then Northward. Made no sense and the prices for the long lay overs between flights was awful. The cheapest price was $979 and the most expensive was over $1400. I was not able to go. It nearly killed me and then I had to worry more about Mom as her mental state had really deteriorate in the last couple of years. Sure enough, on the 22nd of the next month, she went to the Er and could walk that day and the next and was never able to stand again and would linger on for nearly 4 months and now she is gone too. Now she was 97 so she lead a really long life.
He should not be dead, he should still be around to call me for my birthday and I his and to drive me nuts with his banter.
I have now lost my Dad when he was only 56, my oldest brother at 63 and my Mom at 97 and my little brother at 60. What is wrong with this picture. well, every dam thing that is what. Maybe, if I had not given up on him all those years ago he might not ever had gotten liver problems. than, maybe, I could not have done anymore than I did either. I know I feel so bad for his wife and kids as he was a very gregarious person and they must miss him way more than me. I miss my little brother, the one I had before Viet Nam and they miss the Dad and husband and grand-father that they knew after that. so, I guess they got the best of his years or did I? I will never know that answer, Love him, loved him and will miss all of them the rest of my days. I am so far away from them in miledge and want so much for them to understand that they did not just lose the person they loved but I lost the first baby whose diapers I ever changed, who I ever gave a bottle too, who I ever palyed hide and seek with. I lost a part of me this May and will never get it back and then to lost my Mom less than 4 months late was just way to much and I do not know when or if I will ever get over it. I try to hide my feelings and go on but it is so very hard. They are having their own problems dealing but me, well, I have my kids who never got to know him very much as he went towards the other family and my kids miss my Mom and are having a hard time dealing with her loss. They have not even begun to realize how bad I really feel. A person can be this important to you and when you know you will never ever hear their voice again except in your dreams well, it becomes a really hard time to go to sleep. Losing them so close to each other is just to awful.
Wherever you are in Heaven little brother I feel you watching me and telling me to straighten out and go on living that you are finally alright. I know you are. Mother is with you and you guys had a wonderful birthday party for her on Thanksgiving day.God Bless you and hope you can talk God into forgiving me my hateful ways and arrogance.
He was a wonderful young baby, child and even early teen. Then, he drifted as all kids do to his own friends. I had to accept that and still love him as an older sister should. I did! I even made him my daughter's God -Father. He was so proud and I was proud of him knowing that the bond between them would last forever or so I thought.
Then, he announced to our Mom and Dad he was enlisting in the Army with his buddy. They were proud of him not wanting to run away from his duty but wanting to enlist as our Dad and his 3 brothers had. Many were leaving the states for Canada or wherever they could to resist the Viet Nam war. I hated every single one of them. That is a truth as I am afraid I judged those draft dodgers very badly. Only God should judge anybody and I do know that but the human being in me, still made the error.
He want to Nam and there were times when my folks did not hear from him at all. He was in the front lines and worry does not even begin to say how we all felt. Candles were lit and prayers were said and hope was our anthem. On Jyly 4th, 1970, he returned from Nam. We had a big cook-out at my house and invited my older brother's family too but they could not make it. So it was us and our 2 kids and Mom and Daddy and the guest of honor. He was so unearthly quiet and seemed to be a nervous wreck. I got absolutely no info on what had happened to him in Nam and figured that he just did not want to bring up a bad subject in front of 2 little kids. Knowing him as I thought I did, well, I prayed he would eventually open up to me. He never did.
He did talk to our folks and told them most of it and they repeated it gradually to me. He had been in a fire fight in Nam and it was but oen of many and was in a fox-hole with his buddy and a live grenade was thrown in with them and his buddy threw himself on my brother and died and saved my brother's life. He lost many friends, but he made it home alive.
We knew nothing about PTSD back in those days. He was drinking a lot but well we figured it was age related and he would outgrown that and he never did.
I begged him not to drink and drive and to stop his chain smoking and he just laughed at his well-meaning bossy older sister. God how I wish I had not given up on him but I did. Yes, I did. Dealing with him when he wasn't drinking was bad but when he was on the sauce he was so ill-tempered and unpredictable that I simply could not handle that much hatred. He felt his buddy should not have died and the worst thing was our father died exactly 1 month after he came home from Nam.
daddy had a heart attack on Sunday and was dead on Tuesday morning. On that Sunday evening I wracked my brain trying to figure out where he was. Knew he was probably drinking at some of the young folks places and remembered hearing him mention one particular place and so I called them and said I was his sister and if he was there to tell him to get to the local hospital ASAP. told them that if he was to drunk to put him in a cab and get him there. The next thing I knew a very inebriated brother showed up at the hospital and of course Mom was all hollering at him for it too. Not the time to do that. I could see fear like none I had ever seen in my life written all over his face and also guilt and sheer ignorance for what to do.
2 mornings later he called me and said the words that none of us expected to hear, Daddy has taken a turn for the worse and the hospital said we had better get there. We lived the closest but I had to get a sitter to come and stay with my kids who were still sleeping and my husband and I drove like idiots to the hospital as though we could stop the terrible thing from happening but simply getting there. Take my words to heart, you can't stop God!
I could have gone in to be with my dead Father, but, I chose to wait for my Mom and give her that as it was her right to be with Daddy first. I saw the lights to his room were off and the blinds were closed and knew without a doubt that he was gone. When she arrived with my baby brother, he who stood taller than she looked over her head at me and shook his head and I just sighed yes. We waited for only about 5 seconds and my other brother and his wife pulled in. We all walked down the hall together and my Mom rang the bell and turned and said Sharon, please come in with me. I want you first. Lord, I did nto want to go in there at all. I did nto want to see my robust father no longer breathing but I knew I had to do as I was asked so I went in with her. The silence of that room was the worst I have ever experinced so far. No machines and no movement. They came in and asked me if I was willing to take some medication and believe me I would have taken anything to just go back home and have this all a bad dream. But the medication did not stop the pain but made me more secure. I had to be in charge of my emotions for my Mom's sake. Then, Mom told me to have my husband come in and I did as I was told and he hugged both of us and cried with us and told us how sorry he was. We all were crying so openly. I had to remember we were in the ICU unit of the cardiac section and we had to not upset anyone else. Then, Mom walked to the door and had the baby come in and he was so white he was nearly ashen. He later told me that his Daddy should not have been dead and why did God save him and take our Daddy. Why did he take Mom's husband? Why, Why? why! we all had the same question and then my oldest brother went in with his wife and Mom and the other 3 of us just stood there and took turns holding each other and crying into each other's shoulders and arms. We had to make immediate decisions like which funeral home to call and which priest to call and so on and on.
My Mom hair turned perfectly white all around her face and she wrinkled up like a prune. It was the worst I had ever seen her. She had the Baby with her so I knew he would look out for her or so I thought anyway. Though that this tragedy would straighten his butt out. I had to call my sitter and tell her that Daddy had passed away and that we were going to be going with Mom and so on. she cried too. After all, in those days your neighbors were your sitters and helpers and cared about you and you cared about them and theirs too.
My brother lived with my Mom when he felt like it but was gone so much that she worried that much more about him. He was arrested more than once for DUI. Acouple of times he had pulled into a parking lot to sleep in off and had been arrested for simply being behind the wheel even though he was not driving and as my husband got the call to tow the car the cops le thim take the brat home and give him heck.
My husband said man, what in the heck is wrong with you? We are all trying so hard to help your Mom and she needs every single one of us and that includes you the most as you still live there. so he promised to do better after a tongue lashing from every one of us. For awhile, he really seemed to try and was almost his old self. I had no idea that he was also smoking reefer. what a dummy I was. He just traded one addiction for another and then there were the free love giving girls. He had a ready line up of them and the next thing you know Mom said he was going to have to get married and I said to which one!!
Well, they got married and I kenw very little about the family except it was very large and he was very happy with them. Most were close to his age and certainly that was a big draw as he was 9 years younger than me and 8 years younger than our brother. so he really missed having the companionship of a sibling near his own age. he readily said that to me too. They all drank a lot and partied a lot and from what I know now they smoked that weed a lot too. Guess it was just their generation. I can nto judge them as if I got judged by how many times I have lost my temper and swore or whatever, well, I am probably headed straight to hell.
they had a little boy first and he was so cute and naturally I fell in love and was so happy to see him whenever I got the chance too. Mom watched him a lot and loved him so much and now he is a grown man and he was raised sort of thinking that his only family that cared about him was his Mom's and the rest of us were snobs or such. Never knew why my brother allowed that but it happened. I begged him to come and visit and he would promise they were coming and like all housewives in those days I made snacks and stuff kids would like and cleaned my house like the Pope was coming and they would not show up. No phone call no nothing. I began to hate that other family. I had time for my older brother and his family and they came over once in awhile and he would at least call. But the younger one, simply would nto answer his phone.
The worst year, was the year, they both, husband and wife excepted an invite for Thanksgiving dinner at my house. Mom came and helped and we had the nicest set up as I could afford and more food than we should have too. My oldest brohter called and his wife and kids all had a stomach flu and I said well, if you want to come by I can make you up containers to take home and when they are better you can let them eat it. You can always freeze it until they are better. he was so gracious and came and thanked me and left and said where is that rascal and I said well you know he will be late but don't worry he promised he would come and so did she so they will be here. I said, I am so happy. Momma was happy too. But an hour later we lit the candles and ate alone my husband, 3 children and my Mom. Angry, you bet and it took every single bit of self control I had not to go to her Mother's house and pull every hair out of her head and his and then whip the rest of her dam family. God how I hated those people. 3 days later I finally got him to answer the phone and asked where he was and he told me he had chosen to go to his wife's family dinner instead. I said and you could not call and he said well what was the point in doing that!! I told him to go to hell and did not speak to him for about a year. Mom was so upset and I told her to never mention him to me again.
I gave up on him then and never ever trusted him again. He liked to lie and that was just something we had been raised not to do and why he chose to do it I will never know.
I know when I heard he was dying last year, I was devasted. That could not be possible. so, after days of trying to figure out the right thing to do we took our dogs to the vets and drove 1273 miles one way to see him in the Cleveland Clinic. We were given his room number and directions of how to find the room and when we got in the roon there were 2 very old looking men in the beds and neither oen of them resembled my baby brother. I simply could not believe I had come to the wrong place. both looked so yellow and sick and I said to my husband why he is heavier than either of these 2 men and my husband said wait a minute and he got right up next to the bed by the door and looked really hard at that man lying there and he called his name pretty loud and the man opened his blue eyes and we both knew that we were in the right place and it was to late.
Do I blame myself for giving up on him? Yep, I do, If I had tried harder maybe, just maybe, he might be alive today. but he drank himself to the grave. His wives family all liked to drink together and seem to be able to handle it but my brother could not. What a loss to see someone you love so much lying in a room alone. Everyone of his family had gone home. I was sort of grateful for that in a way to have him for a few minutes or whatever for ourselves. It was time I needed. He was so very near death. I knew it and he kept pulling at his oxygen tube trying to remove it and I said do you want to get well and get out of here and his very strong answer was Hell Yes!. so, I immediately started praying extra hard. I doubted the outcome would have been any different but God's wishes but never-the-less, my baby brother wanted to live and that was enough for me. He was strong enough to let me hold him like I used to when he was a baby and little boy and laid his head on my shoulder and let me rock him and I sang Mother's favorite lullabye to him, tooraluralura and he said Mom used to sing that and I said yes she did and he said but you sing it better and I thanked him and he said no thank you for singing it to me. I siad I love you so much and he said I love you too. He kissed me and held my hand for awhile but started to fret a lot and I could tell his end was coming no matter how many Our Father were said. I prayed he would not suffer any longer but would simply die in his sleep. He lingered thru Mother's Day and when we left the hospital that day< I had some little hope. Very little but never the less a little. He had been off the venitlator for several days and his vitals were weak but holding there own. As anyone knows someone who has been on a ventilator and has had pneumonia and liver failure and so many other bad complications his chances were very slim. His youngest boy asked me if I htought his Daddy was going to make it and I looked into his beautiful eyes and said son do you want me to look into your sweet honest eyes and tell you the truth of my thoughts or do you want me to siimply say I do not know. He said, the truth only, and I looked deeply into that young man's heart and told him that I was not God and I felt his Dad was not going to make it and that he had roughly a snowball's prayer of making it too. That night, he took a turn for the worse and they put him back on the ventilator again which now make the 3rd time. The last time I was to see him on this earth was in ICU with the ventilator and I knew there was no more hope. I was devastated. His family and his wife were so crushed. Yet, I had him first and when I had to leave on Tuesday to make the long drive back to FL, I knew that I would never see him alive again. but, God had another plan and he rallied enough to get out of ICU by Friday and he was even talking a little. I was home by then and hearing bits and pieces as his wife got a chance to text me. We had also made our peace with each other and I truly began to love the woman he would soon leave and felt so much heartache for her too.
I had to be the one to tell our Mom when God decided to take him away forever. that was so hard to do. I had a tough decision as she was going to ask me if I heard from them as she always did and I knew I could not keep it together when I answered her so I called a priest and he met us at the ALF where Mom was residing and we told her the awful news. I wanted so badly to go back for his funeral, but finances were simply impossilbe. We had just spent over $2000 and a thousand of that was on dogggie boarding service and gasoline. I got rates from different airlines and none had a direct flight that I could afford out of Fort Myers or Sarasota. Some flew to Miami and then northward or to Texas and then Northward. Made no sense and the prices for the long lay overs between flights was awful. The cheapest price was $979 and the most expensive was over $1400. I was not able to go. It nearly killed me and then I had to worry more about Mom as her mental state had really deteriorate in the last couple of years. Sure enough, on the 22nd of the next month, she went to the Er and could walk that day and the next and was never able to stand again and would linger on for nearly 4 months and now she is gone too. Now she was 97 so she lead a really long life.
He should not be dead, he should still be around to call me for my birthday and I his and to drive me nuts with his banter.
I have now lost my Dad when he was only 56, my oldest brother at 63 and my Mom at 97 and my little brother at 60. What is wrong with this picture. well, every dam thing that is what. Maybe, if I had not given up on him all those years ago he might not ever had gotten liver problems. than, maybe, I could not have done anymore than I did either. I know I feel so bad for his wife and kids as he was a very gregarious person and they must miss him way more than me. I miss my little brother, the one I had before Viet Nam and they miss the Dad and husband and grand-father that they knew after that. so, I guess they got the best of his years or did I? I will never know that answer, Love him, loved him and will miss all of them the rest of my days. I am so far away from them in miledge and want so much for them to understand that they did not just lose the person they loved but I lost the first baby whose diapers I ever changed, who I ever gave a bottle too, who I ever palyed hide and seek with. I lost a part of me this May and will never get it back and then to lost my Mom less than 4 months late was just way to much and I do not know when or if I will ever get over it. I try to hide my feelings and go on but it is so very hard. They are having their own problems dealing but me, well, I have my kids who never got to know him very much as he went towards the other family and my kids miss my Mom and are having a hard time dealing with her loss. They have not even begun to realize how bad I really feel. A person can be this important to you and when you know you will never ever hear their voice again except in your dreams well, it becomes a really hard time to go to sleep. Losing them so close to each other is just to awful.
Wherever you are in Heaven little brother I feel you watching me and telling me to straighten out and go on living that you are finally alright. I know you are. Mother is with you and you guys had a wonderful birthday party for her on Thanksgiving day.God Bless you and hope you can talk God into forgiving me my hateful ways and arrogance.
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